What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Football is one habit I will never kick
I created a vaccine for apathy, but unfortunately no one seems interested.
I got fired from my job as a submarine pilot.
I just don't get it. My performance reviews always said my work was sub-standard.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
Why did the fairy play football?
Because she was fairy sportable!
What do you give a sick penguin?
Tweetment.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
All chemists know that alcohol is always a solution
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The fisherman goes to a bobber shop!
Friend of mine got sacked as a set designer for not producing anything. He didn't make a scene.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
I know a guy who absolutely loves his pet Parrot.
He is Polly-Amorous.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
Medieval castles would have been great hangout spots in modern times because they had a great knight life!
What mouse was a Roman emperor? Julius Cheeser!
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
We’ll need protracturtle in our next lesson since the topic will be angles.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
Why are trees such great drivers? They always take the shortest root.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
"For peep's sake."
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
Why did the duck cross the road?
He was tied to the chicken.
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