If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What side of the mug is the handle on?
The outside.
I just paid for a boat ride to a magic themed renaissance carnival. The price was reasonable.
It was a fair fairy faire ferry fare.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
Check your shelf before you wreck your shelf.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
What football team do energy providers root for the most? The Chargers”
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
‘I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand!’
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you? By the dinosnores.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Give me some pigskin
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What's the difference between a stepping stool and a miniature 3D printer?
The former is a little ladder and the latter is a little former.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
What do you call a murder where the perp runs away on a bicycle?
A drive bike shooting
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
Readers do it by the book.
What’s black and white and very noisy?
A panda with a set of drums.
Time fries when you’re having fun!
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
I keep looking at our upstage platform that is designed with only a ladder for access. It's just so hard not to stair.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
You didn't hear the joke about cell phones?
Probably because it had a bad reception.
What is the name of the device that the king uses to control the moat around his castle? A remoat control.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
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