Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in movie theatre?
A: They apparently went to see "Closed For The Winter"
What does a deer call a hunter?
“Doe foes.”
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
Sheena leads, Sheila needs.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
I really like corn, but I can't find it because this time of year it's never in stalk
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Are you a 90 degree angle? Because this feels just right.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
What’s the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of a clause.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Denise sees the fleece, Denise sees the fleas. At least Denise could sneeze and feed and freeze the fleas.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
That crazy little sun of a beach.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
Teaching babies to walk is hard, but you just have take it one step at a time.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
How did the blind guy from Denver enjoy a bit of apres skiing on Lookout Mountain during the last white-out?
He brought along his skiing-eye dog.
Would they get two minutes for tripping?
Not if they spliff the defence.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
To get with the times, Grammar Nazi's have changed their name.
They now prefer to go by Alt-writists.
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
I just beat my friend in a Wild West themed art race!
I was quicker to the draw.
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
What does a triangle palm like to study in school? Trigonometree.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Why couldn't the housefly board the plane?
It was on the no fly list
I accidentally mixed up the words 'Jacuzzi' and 'Yakuza' online.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.
The only difference between time and a ball hog is that the former passes.
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What is the dish that likes using the light switch?
StrogONOFF
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What does a tiger say to his friends before eating a meal? "Let us prey!"
Went to ask my girlfriend's father for his daughter's hand in marriage.
He replied: "Give me one good reason you'd make a good husband or even a decent father or I'm leaving!"
I thought long and hard, and eventually said: "Hi leaving I'm John!"
The wedding is next month.
Broken pencils are pointless.
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