Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Treat yo'elf.
"Partners in wine."
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
What did the beaver tell the tree? It has really been nice gnawing you.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
I mashed a few mangoes, pineapples, melons, strawberries, and grapes into a 🍲. Served the mash to guests visiting my place.
Called the dish, Mea Pulpa.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles? No cake for me…I’m stuffed
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
What do you call an imaginary color?
A pigment of your imagination.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What is a ghoul's favorite soup?
Ghoul-ash.
What do cats do after watching a play? Give a round of a-paws.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday
Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.
Did you hear about the ocean and sea having a baby?
It was a buoy!
How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why can't you trust zebras?
Because they're convicted horse felons.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
"Let's have some skele-fun."
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
"Just looking on the sunny side."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
When the ghost went to a fancy restaurant, he decided to wear a boo-tie.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
What do you call bears with no ears?
B.
What did the toast say to the psychic?
You bread my mind!
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
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