What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Mr. Pea never did any work and yet always looked down on the other vegetables. He was a real peas of work.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.
What did the scientist say when he found 2 isotopes of helium?
"HeHe."
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
A soldier in ancient Egypt is eating his ice cream and quitting on the army
A deserter having his dessert in the desert about to desert his post.
Do hairless goats wish they had mohair?
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Why did the football coach attempt to destroy the vending machine?
Cuz it wouldn't give him his quarterback.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Why was the penguin a good race car driver?
He always started in pole position.
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What kind of person would sell someone a sham-rock?
A lepre-con!
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Have you read the book about hands? It’s a real page turner.
Never talk to me about fashion
It just goes in one year and out the other
Why is the world so diverse?
Because it contains alkynes of people.
Are you a cactus?
Because you're a prick
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
What is a koala’s favorite type of fruit? Bearies.
How the tree introduce themselves to the dentist?
“Implant”
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
If H2O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? H2O cubed.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
You mermake me happy.
Where does a snowman keep his money?
In a snow bank.
A stoner, a Jedi and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
Why did the Mexican train robber rob the train?
Because he had a loco-motive.
How many gnomes does it take to change a lightbulb?
It takes a village!
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
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