Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
Fall is a-maize-ing.
I really hate rock puns.
My sediments exactly.
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed over to one side.
I got a asked to leave karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" seven times in a row. I had exceeded the allowed number of Loggins attempts.
I aorta tell my wife how much I love her.
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
What did the horse reply when asked if it would try water polo?
“I would dapple.”
This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
You are aged to perfection.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
Why don’t giraffes do drugs?
Because they’re naturally high.
I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
England is the wettest country because many monarchs reigned there for many years.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
One of the historical figures to play music with has got to be the talented Mr. Ben-jam-in Franklin.
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
Why do cows think cooks are mean?
They whip cream.
A chemical in science class can make your hands go numb
But math will make you number.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Irish you were beer.
In the darkness, is where a flashlight really shines!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What do you call an immature goat?
A silly billy.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
If cheese were downloadable, then I'd try to throw my hard drive as far as possible.
What I'm saying is, I'd chuck e-cheese.
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Where do zombie monkeys live?
In the brain forest.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
What do cell phones order at dinner?
Apps.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
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