I got arrested at work today for moving my desk away from the air conditoner vent.
I was charged with draft-dodging!
Sips getting real.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
What is the ocean’s favorite lullaby?
Roe, Roe, Roe Your Boat.
What is the perfect day to go to the beach?
Sun-day!
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
You are shrimply the best!
What do you call a rich goblin?
GOBLING.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
How do you leave any building in Spain?
You "follow salida lida lida..."
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
I met a gnome once, our conversation was very awkward...
I’m not very good at small talk.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
I took a blood test today
It was easy. I got A+, and I didn't even have to study!
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
What do you call a deer that can write with both hands?
Bambi-dextrous.
You know what's cool about chemistry?
Endothermic reactions.
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
He’s not a bad dog.
He’s just a little ruff around the edges.
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
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