We’re a perfect mash.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
That’s a bit mulch.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Where do werewolves hate shopping?
The flea market.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
When you cross a sheep and a wolf, you will end up with a new sheep, you can’t make such a costly mistake with wolves.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink
*No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the movie theatre*
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
I’m rooting for you!
What do you call a chameleon that can't change colors?
A reptile dysfunction.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What's an owl's favorite Beatles song?
Owl You Need Is Love.
What do you say when you meet a two-headed dinosaur? Hello, hello!
What did the Easter Bunny say to its partner? We make one egg-celllent couple.
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
A kid at the spelling bee was asked to spell "inward"
A teacher tackled him after the first G
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
My dog takes so long to get ready. He can never chews what to wear.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
How did the turkey win the talent show? With his drum-sticks.
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