I’m a small Irish creature who has been diagnosed with a serious sickness. It’s Leprechronic.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
"I've found some bunny to love."
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
Q: What does the tiger use to brush his mane?
A: A catacomb.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
The turkey says, "gobble, gobble."
I appreciate it when food comes with instructions.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
I have a friend who has been diagnosed with a phobia of sausages. She always fears the wurst.
What did the boyfriend mouse say too the girlfriend mouse family? Mice too meet you.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do you call who has been electrocuted? You call it anion.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
What do you call the Greek version of Spider-Man?
Pita Parker.
What kind of donuts fly? Plain ones!
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
I used to play triangle in a reggae band but I had to give it up. It was just one ting after another.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
What did the happy cat say? Stay paw-sitive!
What do you call a kids book about otters? Harry Otter.
What sound do you hear when a Ghost explodes? kaBOOm!
What do jellyfish and a girl after prom night have in common?
They can't be deboned.
What do runners do when they forget something?
They jog their memory!
Don't worry, bee happy!
Two flies were fighting on a toilet seat.
One got pissed.
You raise the bar.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why are environmentalists bad at playing cards? They like to avoid the flush.
A baker fell down the stairs with a platter full of cookies.
As they say, that's the way the cookies crumbled.
Why does NASA give astronauts pencils to use in space?
Because they've got the Write Stuff.
What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
What do you call twin baby kangaroos?
Roo-mMates!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
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