When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Why does the ocean roar?
You would too if you had crabs on your bottom.
How do sheep greet each other during the holidays? Fleece Navidad!
Witches are always wand-ering around…
What does a horse call its treats?
My greatest preakness.
Where do the cool horses live?
In rad-docks.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
Why was the picture of the dog sent to jail?
Because it was framed.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
Cell phones are a static symbol.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch. But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
What does a winged horse drink from at a party?
A keg-asus.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
Every piece of you is sweet.
Take off all your cloves.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
What did Sophocles call his dating service in Ancient Greece?
Oedipal Arrangements.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.
How do you write a book about bats? With a ghostwriter.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
I went to a mosquito themed restaurant.
It wasn't very good, though. After a few bites I got up and left.
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What's a lion's favorite color?
ROARange
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
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