How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
The favorite soccer position for ghosts is the ghoul keeper.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
My partner was always criticising my sense of direction... So I packed up and right!
Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
What do horses eat with their salad? Dressage-ing.
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
What happens when you drink beer from a cup?
You both get drunk.
Are you a thief? Because you stole my heart.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
You knead me in your loaf.
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What do you call a fight between squirrels?
A squarrel
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
Need an ark?
I noah guy.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
Did you guys hear about that 14-year old virgin girl who got pregnant after receiving the flu vaccine?
Sounds like an inoculate conception.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
A man with spine cancer walks up to his friend
His friend notices that the man is holding his back while walking up to him
His friend asks "What's wrong?".
The man says "My back is killing me".
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
I personally think bunnies are ear-resistible.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What happened to the man who didn’t pay his exorcist? His house was repossessed.
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