"You're a real good egg."
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Q. After the stripper is done, what happens at a stag party?
A. Deer-ty dancing.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Heard about the devoted beaver who crossed the turbulent river? He took a leap of faith!
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
“Oh, deer! Christmas is here!”
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
What did Caesar say to Cleopatra?
"Toga-ther, we can rule the world!"
How does an otter get into an honest business? Usually through the skylight.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Why didn’t the boy believe the tiger? Because he thought it was a lion!
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
How do horses get to another star system? They travel through intergalloptic space.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
I almost brought a screwdriver to the football game, but was stopped by security
They said that match-fixing isn't allowed.
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
We were having lunch with my wife's parents. Her father asked if she and I were still going to a concert later that night. He asked, "Are you guys going out?"
I said, "actually, we're married".
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
We’re a perfect mash.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
The dentist said that he could knock me out with gas, or he could use a big metallic rock.
I said ether/ore.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do you call an ant who skips school?
A truant.
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
That’s a bit mulch.
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
Two tiny timid toads trying to trot to Tarrytown.
Why didn't the corn chip advocate wear shoes?
They believed in Fritos.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
What was the inscription on the tomb of Frankenstein’s monster?
HERE LIES FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER. MAY HE REST IN PIECES.
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