Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
What do you call a French leather coat maker...?
Jim Lapel.
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
What do baseball players eat their backyard BBQ on?
Home plates.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
What sea creature never tells the truth
A lion fish.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What would the pharaoh say after seeing the pyramid? He would name it mummy's home.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around eventually.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
France gave perfumes to countries it dominated in the past...
That was classic Colognialism.
I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flour...
My teacher said, I'm the perfect roll model.
What kind of key does a ghost use to unlock his room? A spoo-key.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
"OK boomer."
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
Will glass coffins ever become popular?
This remains to be seen.
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.
You’re my #1 pick.
I joined the French Submarine Corps to learn how to deal with the loss of a loved one.
They taught me periscoping techniques.
Q: How do Japanese artists bid farewell?
A: Cyan-Nara!
Opening a new shadow puppet theatre. Business plan says we'll make a fortune, but those are just projected figures.
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
Who’s a llama’s favorite pop singer?
Llama Del Ray.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
For Valentines Day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
Q. Why did the gorilla go to the barber?
A. He was concerned about his ape-pearance.
Is there a bathroom in this tennis club? Because I’m about to drop a deuce.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
This book of spells was useless. The author forgot to run spell check.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What’s a llama’s favorite drink?
Llamanade.
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