What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze.
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Beaver Y.
Beaver Y. who?
Bea-ver-y quiet, you are in a library.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why do Santa’s helpers go to therapy?
To help their elf esteem.
I wanna tell a joke about a girl who eats plants.
You've probably never heard of herbivore.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
What did the judge say when a skunk walked into the courtroom?
"Odor in the court!"
Q. Which dinosaur species has deep blue-green feathers?
A. Teal-Rex.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
What did the sign in the Egyptian funeral home say?
"Satisfaction guaranteed or double your mummy back"
A crocodile tried to copy a rooster to wake his friends one morning, he went croc-a-doodle do.
I tried to change my password to "14days".
The computer said it was two week.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Why was the piano laughing?
Because I was tickling his ivories
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body?
Because they are well organized.
What do you call a noisy group of crows?
A caw-cophony!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
What do you call a lobster that's afraid of tight spaces?
Claw-strophobic
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
"Dad, my computer can't find the Wifi printer anymore... I renamed it to Bob Marley, same password."
"Why Bob Marley?" - he asked.
"Because its always jammin"
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Something’s goat to give.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
How do you ask a dinosaur to lunch? Tea Rex?
When pigs live high on the hog, they run the risk of going into hock.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
What is a zombie’s favorite shampoo?
Head & Shoulders.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist. While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.
The Opportunist.
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