How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
My wife hates my collection of old snake skins.
So I have to keep them in the shed.
The furniture store saleswoman keeps calling me to come back. But all I wanted was one night stand.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
What does a horse do when it smells rotten seafood?
It scallops outta there.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What do you get if you cross a lobster with a telephone?
A snappy talk.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
what do you need to have proper grammar?
a proper grampar.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
Which Halloween treat is going to keep a crow up all night? A crowfee apple.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
I made Chinese for Easter dinner
If I had made Japanese it would have been Eastest Dinner.
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
Why did the volleyball player not want to travel? Because he had been there and dug that.
What do you call a married couple who compete in the marathon side-by-side?
Running mates.
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
I'm going to combine my interests of taxidermy and bomb making
by making you an otter you can't defuse.
A man called his twin brother from prison
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
What kind of dinosaur works for the police? A trisara-cop.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn't have the guts.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
Why are cedars so hard to get along with? They suffer from bigo-tree and ex-tree-mism.
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