. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
If you want to name a smart pig, name him Cunningham.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What did Snoop Dog need to get an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle.
The judge sentenced the basketball player to life imprisonment because he shot the ball.
What is a car’s favourite fashion accessory?
A clutch bag.
51. What does a car yell when something goes wrong?
‘Jesus Chrysler!’
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
What goes black, white, black, white, black, white?
A panda rolling down a hill.
I’m very frond of you.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Books on helium are so hard to put down.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
Where do birch trees keep their jewelry? In the river bank.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would some flirty compliments.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
It’s a beautiful Degas!
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog legs?
No, I always walk this way.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
How rude-olf of you.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Where do otters come from?
Otter Space.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
What kind of dance do single people do on Valentine's Day?
The Independance!
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
Putting on contacts without a mirror is hard
You just gotta eyeball it.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
We got a huge jack-o-lantern this fall. It gave the neighbors pumpkin to talk about.
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