It's ice to meet you.
Why don’t orcas have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
Q. What haapens if a gorilla sits on your piano?
A. You get a flat note.
Pete's pa pete poked to the pea patch to pick a peck of peas for the poor pink pig in the pine hole pig-pen.
How long do you microwave fish?
Tuna half minutes!
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
Where do the astronauts park their vehicles? At the parking meteors.
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
Why did the river refuse to join the sea? Because the sea was salty.
Why couldn't the squirrel eat the macadamia nut?
It was one tough nut to crack.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.
What do you call a secret group of llamas?
The i-llama-nati.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
Eventually, I folded.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What do you call a big Irish spider?
A Paddy long legs.
Why wasn’t the dog a smooth talker?
Because he couldn’t stop saying “ruff ruff”.
My family isn't really into pancakes.
We're more of a Waffle House.
Be careful what you say about those plates in the cabinet.
They're stacked.
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
Why do you always bring a bag of chips to a party? In queso emergency.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
Who was the smartest man in the Bible?
Abraham. He knew a Lot.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
Why don’t anteaters get sick?
Because they’re full of antibodies.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
What do you call an alligator who is wearing crocs on his feet?
A traitor.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
I like my wine like I like my medieval cities.
Fortified.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
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