Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married?
Feyonce.
What did the drug diller say to the duck?
Are you on quack?
This event is sure to be out of bounds.
The king and queen of the animal kingdom were having marriage trouble.
"You're a cheetah!" said one to the other. "Oh yeah?" she replied,
"You're a lion!"
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
Why did the skeletons form a rock band?
They wanted to “Rattle them bones”!
Why was fog kicked off the football team? He mist a field goal.
Why is "dark" spelled with a K?
Because you can't C in the dark.
Did you hear the one about the Troll who tried to pay for dinner with a gnome? He came up short on the bill.
What do you call a train that sneezes? Achoo-choo train.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
RIP to Boiled Water.
You will be sorely mist.
What did the banana do when he saw the monkey?
The banana split.
I stole fire from the gods.
But I couldn't fence it. It was too hot.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
If you ride your bike twice a day, is that recycling?
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane chocolate
Shake it like a pole-oriod picture.
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
Did you hear about the clam that could play violin?
It had excellent mussel memory.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Where do kangaroos like to eat?
At IHOP.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
My father-in-law fell into a giant vat of sliced cabbage.
Now he's my father-in-slaw.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
What do you call a poor ant?
A peas-ant.
What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
I went into a bar with a keyboard under my arm. The barman said "Oi! We don"t want your typing in here".
A classical musician bought a Stradivari violin
Now he is quite Baroque.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What happened when the bear applied at the movie theater?
He was told he was not koala-fied.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
During the divorce, the judge couldn't decide who got the shack in the backyard, despite our numerous arguments.
It was a case of he shed, she shed.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
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