What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
I came home to find many folders, calendars and filing cabinets were stolen.
Police believe it to be the work of organised crime.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
What does a basketball player say when he misses?
Shoot!
What do you get when you cross a goblin and cheese? Muenster cheese.
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
Why did the River go to the doctor? Her flow wouldn't stop.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
If art became imprisoned we'd have to Freda art.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Why does your laptop have a blanket on it?
It's on sleep mode.
There’s so mushroom in my heart for you.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
Which bird is the most contented? The crow, because he never complains without caws.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
How do astronauts eat their ice cream? In floats!
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
Just look, it’s the Trifle Tower
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
My son asked me why our sailboat is named Blood
I yelled back: "Because it’s a bloody vessel!"
What do you get when you cross an owl with an oyster?
Pearls of wisdom.
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
Where do you bury dead cutlery?
In it's final resting plates.
What bat was called an invader?
Bat-talina.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
Did you hear about the skeleton who dropped out of medical school?
He didn’t have the stomach for it.
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What do you get if you feed gunpowder to a chicken?
An egg-splosion.
What do you say when you want a kiss from a flower?
Plant one on me.
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