My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
The beauty with bowling is that you can get three strikes, but you still remain in the game.
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
What kind of money do elves use?
Cold cash!
The last time I wanted to go bowling, all the pins were on strike. So I just stayed at home and watched TV instead.
When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot? Sir.
What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, 12 claws on each foot and a personal stereo over his ears? Anything you like, he won't hear you!
Why didn't the ghost dance at the party? He had no body to dance with.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
The bartender told the ghost they don't serve spirits after midnight.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
I saw this new movie about a mummy's new bandages. It was called The Emperor's New Cloths.
How do fish play the drums?
With Fish Sticks.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy? It was the wicked witch of rest.
I like telling dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
How do the elves clean Santa's sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!
In Ireland, when the cows are in the road it’s udder chaos.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What do ghouls and goblins put on their nachos?
Ghost peppers.
"You're a real good egg."
What is a three toed sloth's favorite kind of chip?
Fritos.
A man fell into a vat of varnish and died
He had a terrible end but a lovely finish.
I’m in love with France, and I ain’t Lyon.
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
What do you get if you cross a grizzly bear and a harp?
A bear-faced lyre.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
What would the greatest hockey player in history be called if he would have chosen not to play hockey?
Wayne Regretzky
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What do you call it when a truck of tortoises crashes into an aquarium?
A turtle disaster.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
What’s black and white, has four legs and a trunk?
Two pandas on holiday.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
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