In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
What’s black and white and as hard as a rock?
A panda that’s fallen in cement.
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do you call a family member who works at a gas station? A pump-kin!
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Happy Valentine's Day!
I hope your day starts off with a bang!
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
What does a dolphin say when he’s confused?
Can you please be more Pacific?
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid on the planet?
It's pasteurized before you see it.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
Fairies just wand to have fun.
"Time to wine down."
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
Why was the koala scientist so well-respected by his peers? He was known for conducting excellent koalatative research.
Besides eucalyptus leaves, what is a koala bear’s favorite vegetable? Koalaflower.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
A coworker said, "Oh my gosh there's a mouse on your desk!"
To which, I replied "I know! And it's not working!"
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
It does Sas-squats.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y'allhalla.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
Fission Chips.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!
Car puns are really tiring
You’re unbeleafable.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
Why do you never see owls being affectionate in the rain? It's too wet to woo.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What do zombies eat for dessert?
Eyes cream.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
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