Our local winery recently starting using a flock of sheep to keep the grass from getting too long.
At least that's what I herd through the grapevine.
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
I’ve found that dressing up like this has truly been an en-witching experience.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York?
She fell for the Big Apple.
I know an old man who's a vampire. He's quite long in the tooth.
What did the married deer couple say to each other? I love you deer-ly!
Why are tigers said to be religious? Because they frequently prey with all their family members.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Which type of whale can fly?
Pilot whales.
I often tell my niece to listen, because hearing is the first thing you lose with aging.
Or was it memory? I can't remember.
If I ever find out the name of the surgeon who messed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him…
With my bear hands.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
What does a dog wear when it’s cold outside?
A pet-ticoat.
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
These decorations are tree-mendous.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
My friend, while driving through the mountains watching the leaves change: I love the winter. All the naked trees.
Me: Yeah, you can see all their knotty parts.
Why do witches not wear a regular hat?
Because there's no point in it.
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
For instant fun, just add water.
I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
How do Yetis tell the time?
With a sasq-watch.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
What do you do with a sick chemist? You try to helium, and then you try to curium, but if all else fails, you gotta barium.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Why did the turkey NOT cross the road?
To prove that he wasn't chicken.
Q: What did the Pharaoh do when he needed help moving his gold?
A: He hired-a-glyphics.
Did you hear about the man who sat next to his clone on the train?
He was beside himself.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
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