What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Did you hear about the owl who married a goat?
The had a hootenanny.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
I knew a vampire who was trying to become an actor. He gave it his best shot, but ended up retraining. He just couldn't find a role he could sink his teeth into.
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
I took my dog's bone away from him.
She was fur-rious.
What chord does jesus play on guitar?
Gsus
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
How do snails make important calls? On shell phones.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Why did the shark spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny.
How do eels travel across the seafloor? By Octo-bus.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
Why are small dried up river beds so cool? Because they're ex-stream.
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
When is Monday coming?
MonSoon!
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What do elves eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
What did the tree tell the drill? You bore me.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
I am pretty sure that the favourite soup of Dracula is the Scream of tomato.
Do you comma here often?
What does a witch get if she crosses a black cat and a lemon?
A sour puss.
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other?
Sorry, that was my fault.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
What do you call a horse on a boat attached to land?
Docked.
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