Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What do you call it when you have to quickly eat a beef dish wrapped in pastry crust?
A brief Wellington
I accidentally kicked my bed post when I got up this morning, almost couldn't move!
Luckilly, I called a toe truck.
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”
I beg your garden?
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
The orange said to the melon, “You are one in a melon.” The melon replied, “You are so appealing.”
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do you call a room full of crows? Crowded.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
I went to a Church yard sale looking for a grill...
Unfortunately, they only had friars.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
Where did the Flopper work in the offseason? At Dominik's Hat-Check.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
Why couldn't the skeleton get a date to the dance?
He doesn't have the heart to ask anyone out.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
On reflection, vampires aren't actually that scary.
What do you call a hairy beast that no longer exists?
A were-wolf!
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Did you hear about the aspen who fell for the loggers’ scam? The copse wood not believe she fell for it.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What did Sherlock Holmes say when he caught the Christmas tree bandit? It was elemen-tree, my dear Watt-son.
What's an owl's favorite rock band?
The Who
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was NOT worth the trip.
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
What happened to the vet that was accused of negligence? They were sued for meow-practice
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!
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