What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
Sigmund Freud used to always wear a piece of jewelry on his wrist...
It was an id bracelet.
Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
I just learned how to speak parrot.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
Two detectives interrogate a 37 year old mute man. The detectives give the man a notepad which he scribbles on for a few seconds, and hands back to them.
"I'll never talk."
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
I told the person who was playing my trumpet,
To stop pushing my buttons.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
The goal nine yards
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
Autumn has given me some of my best memories. I am forever grate-fall for it.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
I tried to make a wooden submarine.
It didn't go down so well.
Sleigh my name, sleigh my name.
Why didn’t sin and tan go to the party?
Just cos.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
What do you call a large pile of cats? A meowntain!
Tomorrow the planet will be one year older..
Happy bEarthday!
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
Werewolves love their fast food.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
I've invented a machine that prints money.
I programmed it to make coins, but for some reason it keeps printing dollar bills....
It makes no cents.
Being vegetarian was a huge missed-steak.
Why did the unemployed man get excited while looking through his Bible?
He thought he saw a job.
I whale always love you.
If a baby is born on a plane, i guess you could call it... airborn.
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?
It’s super high Koala-tea
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
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