Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
My bank is really proud of me.
According to them, I have an outstanding balance!
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I think I'm going to remove my spine.
It's only holding me back.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
How do a group of skeletons drive to work?
In the carpal lane.
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
What made the baby cookie cry so loud? His mother was a wafer so long.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
The daddy strawberry got the job to perform at the circus because he was a berry straw-ng man.
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Did you know there was a Jedi from Italy who was really strict about diets?
His name was Only One Cannoli.
How do you know that it's too cold outside for a picnic?
You chip your tooth on the soup.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You!
My son just tried to tell me a joke about pumpkins.
Oh, gourd, was it awful.
What do you sing to cows on their birthdays?
Happy birthday to moo…
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
How do you shoot a three-headed ghoul?
Bang! Bang! Bang!
The artist was great. He could always draw a crowd.
The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees”...
Now I can’t open the door because it faces the wall.
A kitchen knife and fork had a race. Who won? Neither, it ended in a drawer.
My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
"You know, one would have been enough."
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
I invented beach footwear for people with one leg.
It was a flop.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
Do you know what Tinkerbell's tooshie is called?
A fairy tale.
What does a panda use to cook his pancakes?
A pan duhhhh!
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
It's nearly 6 years since US Navy SEALs took out Osama Bin Laden in Pakistan.
Talk Abbottabad place to hide.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
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