Feeling cold? Go stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
A berry from which you can directly drink out of is a straw-berry.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
What does vikings call english villages?
Chopping centers.
"No wine left behind."
What do you need to know to teach a dinosaur tricks? More than the dinosaur.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What do you call it when a pig loses its memory? Hamnesia.
A bunch of chill-dren from the neighborhood played all afternoon in the snow.
What part of a fish weighs the most?
The scales.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
Both tournament directors published the schedule at the same time. It was a draw.
Why are parrots so good at improvisation? Because they know how to wing it!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, you get arrested.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
My wife asked me to help her apply mascara...
It was an eye-opening experience.
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
What’s a deer’s go-to ice cream flavor?
Cookie-doe.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What do you call the second tissue paper?
Kleenext.
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
Who is the most famous skeleton detective?
Sherlock Bones.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Who’s a llama’s favorite U.S. president?
Barack Ollama.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
Q. Where are deceased deer laid to rest?
A. In a moose-oleum.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
What does the father deer say to the mother deer to show his love?
“I love you deerly!”
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation.
10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.
You know why I hate Julius Caesar jokes?
They always kill me.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
How much caramel can a canny canonball cram in a camel if a canny canonball can cram caramel in a camel?
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Did you hear about the flower who never bloomed?
It was a bud omen.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
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