What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
Did you know there is a new horse species with one eye and a horn?
It's called a unicornea.
What does a workhorse like to drink?
A Moscow Mule.
What does a flower do when they get caught in a lie?
Backpetal.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!
The mummy caught a really bad cold. He cannot stop coffin.
Q: What is a wind turbine’s favorite musical group?
A: Air Supply
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What does a biologist wear when they're going out?
Designer genes.
Why are fisherman so stingy?
Their jobs make them sel-fish!
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.
How much does it cost to fly Santa’s sleigh?
About 9 bucks.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
I hate spring cleaning.
Darn things bounce all over the place.
Go big or go gnome.
Who does a witch call for help with computer problems?
Hex Support!
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
I just quit my job as a train driver a few weeks ago.
I can't help but feel that my life has gone off the rails since.
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Do you know what would happen when you throw a Finnish sailor into the ocean?
Helsinki.
Why did the origami artist win her court case? She was great at doing the paperwork.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a four-leaf clover?
The Cluck o’the Irish!
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What did God say to the polar bears when they told him they hate spring and summer?
Well, they can't all be winters.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I eat eel while you peel eel
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Q: What did the leaf say to the wind?
A: You really blew me away.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
My brother once froze a dollar in a block of ice
It was cold hard cash.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
What do a crab, a lobster, and a Japanese guy run over in the middle of the road all have in common?
They're all Crushed-Asians!
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