What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
"Let's get fizzical. Pass the prosecco."
A snapping turtle is a turtle that takes up pgotography.
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What is a golfer’s favorite dance move?
The Bogey.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high...
She looked surprised.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
The great Greek grape growers grow great Greek grapes.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Q. What do they call the gorilla marathon runner who only wins when it's pouring outdoors?
A. The raining chimp-ion.
Say it ain’t snow.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
Where did the bunny groom and bunny bride go after their wedding? On a bunnymoon.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
I am cocoa-nuts about you.
Why did the guy decide not to donate a dime to any charity raising funds for a marathon?
Because they just take the money and run.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What do you call donating a chair?
Charity!
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.
What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why is the nose in the middle of the face?
Because it's the scenter.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
What’s the difference between a crow and a chicken?
A chicken can crow, but a crow can’t chicken.
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
Why did the man bring a gun to the clock factory?
To kill some time.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test?
This is too much pressure!
I saw a saw that could out saw any saw I ever saw saw. If you happen to see a saw that can out saw the saw I saw saw I'd like to see the saw you saw saw.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
I was hiking with my friend in the woods and bear attacked him
It was unbearable to watch
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
Why are fish so smart?
They spend a lot of time in schools.
Mermaids can be quite mean. Salmon had to say it.
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