Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.
I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee
I now pronounce you husband and wifi
You may kiss the bride goodbye.
What type of motorcycle do London Plane trees like to ride? Treeumph.
What’s the difference between Spring Break and Summer Break?
Jumping on the bed won’t make a Summer Break.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
What does a queen want on her cookie?
Royal Icing.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What did the Easter bunny say to the carrot?It’s been nice gnawing you.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What do you call a mummy covered in chocolate and nuts? A Pharaoh Roche.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
How do you know you in "love" with spicy food? After getting to third basil.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
What did the swimming pool say to the skimmer?
Leaf me alone!
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What do you call a luxurious ant?
Decad-ant.
What did one of Frankenstein’s ears say to the other?
I didn’t know we lived on the same block.
The moto of their school bowling team was ‘let’s knock em down’.
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
I slapped my violin out of anger, then I got arrested for domestic violins.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
The Japanese restaurant serves the best soups. It will always make miso happy.
Why don’t trees travel in groups? Because two’s a company, but tree’s a crowd.
Why did the lettuce and the mushroom break up? The lettuce was pretty but the mushroom did not have much room for her in his life.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
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