What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What did the bottled water tell the spy?
The names bond, Hydrogen bond.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
What concert costs 45 cents?
50 Cent featuring Nickelback.
What is the biggest type of bed ?
The sea bed.
Why don’t penguins fly?
They are not tall enough to be pilots.
Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
How do you measure the heaviness of a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
How do baby chickens dance?
Chick-to-chick.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet!
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
In the history of bowling, there is one bowler who floats like a butterfly and stings pretty much like a bee. His name is Muhammad Alley.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
Why did the skeleton need a hug?
Because he had nobody.
Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey
Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?
Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...
Brutus: I ate 2 slices.
Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
What did the zombie say when he failed the exam?
- I didn't have enough brains.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
The manager for that dairy farm was referred to as the cow-ordinator.
Summer is just floating by.
What do polite whales always say?
You’re whale-come.
How do you know you’ve been visited by a possessed rabbit? He leaves deviled eggs.
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
A teacher asks the class to name six mammals that you might find in Africa. One of the pupils replies, “five zebras and a lion”.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
How did the cardiologist figure out what she wanted to do with her life?
She just followed her heart.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Do you know what is the most favourite fruit in the United States? – Mmm peach!
Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?
He didn't speak English.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Q: What is a cloud's favorite reptile?
A: A blizzard.
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