How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
Summer is here, so I’m moving all of my bad habits outside.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I wonder why Lenin didn't realize that communism would fail to work. There were so many red flags everywhere.
I can’t believe that during the attempted murder, John Crow, Russel Crow and Sheryl Crow were all in the room.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What do you get when you cross a chicken and a cow? Roost beef!
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
I am still trying to launch beef and cream out of a mushroom cannon. It is not stroganoff.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I’m feelin’ green.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
it was my pet dragon's birthday today
We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
Santa's Short Suit Shrunk
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
How does a dolphin do cocaine?
With its blow hole.
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I'm so Midwestern, it's in my blood
I'm type Ohp!-ositive
What do penguins wear on their heads?
Ice caps!
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.
Dad: Years ago I had the opportunity to meet R.E.M., and we even took a picture together with my buddies.
Son: Where are you in the photo?
Dad: That's me in the corner.
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
What happened when the Easter Bunny met the rabbit of his dreams? They lived hoppily ever after.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
I can heartly wait to see you again.
Too bad my serve hit the tape. Well, at least they’ll LET me hit it again.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
What do ghouls say to each other before heading out for Halloween?
May the ghouls be with you!
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
What position does a ghoul play on the soccer team?
Ghoulie!
The vampire decided to eat a throat lozenge. It was the only thing he could think of to stop his coffin fit.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
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