Don’t go bacon my heart.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
What did the koala say to his girlfriend?
I love you-calpytus.
What is an astronauts favourite type of shirt?
Apollo
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
My friend went bald years ago, but still carries his old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
"It's wine o'clock."
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What is the collective noun for cars?
Pack of cars.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What do you call a very active hydra?
Hydradynamic.
The kids made cards for Mother's Day. I asked for a card as well, but they said I had to wait until Father's Day. I told my boy I had made a card for him, and he could have it the day after tomorrow,
on Sonday.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
Me: Dad, can I turn the air-conditioner on?
Dad: did you shampoo it first?
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
I recently went to a soft fruit party, where all the food was berry based. It was cherrific.
What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias
What kind of noise does a witch’s vehicle make?
Brrrroooom, brrroooom.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What did the piece of Cheddar say to the ghost? I'm Lac-ghost intolerant
Bonnie Tyler has released a video all about cardiology.
It’s totally clips of the heart.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
Why do cheeses make bad musicians?
They’re always sharp.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
My theater group is writing a sci-fi thriller about classical musicians.
I'll be Bach.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
My wife says she's divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she leave me...?
Find out next week.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Did you hear about the werewolf who got invited to the dance?
He really wanted to go, but the upcoming full moon was giving him paws.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, do you believe in love at first sight, or should I go around this chairlift again?
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.
Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"
What’s the difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?
One’s a crusty bus-station, the other’s a busty crustacean.
My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
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