Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I loved the soup that they served at the local restaurant yesterday. It was simply pho-nomenol.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
What is the worst advice a coach could ever give to a nude volleyball team? Play hard.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
If you coriander into my tomato soup, you will give me a soup-herb dish.
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.
I love you dairy much.
Did you like my HTTP 200 joke?
It was OK.
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
He’s my pinch charming.
What did the bacteria say to the bee to cheer it up?
Gram positive
Why do action potentials make good volleyball players?
They are always spiking.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What was the cheese’s strategy when it ran for president?
Make America grate again.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk.
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
It is difficult to hold up a trouser. How does Jupiter does it? Simply, with an asteroid belt.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
Have you heard about the latest restaurant that opened up on moon?
No, how is that restaurant?
What do you call a witch who drives badly?
A road hag.
Where do dogs go after the their tails fall off?
The re-tail store.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
After checking my poor results, the art teacher shouted, "Never in a vermilion years have I seen such poor grades"!
So apparently coles has a new thing where you can only have one salad per transaction
They’re calling it coleslaw..
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Go to BabaMail
