What do you call a Chinese man with one leg? Tie won shu
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Experts suggest that the crows flying beak first into windows at a horrifying speed comit a murder suicide.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What do you call a zombie DJ?
A dead beat.
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
What do pigs drive? Pigup trucks.
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?
Prankenstein!
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
It's just a lot of croc 'n' roll.
“Watch out! The road curves ahead” cried the skeleton.
“It’s spine“ replied the driver.
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
Egyptians claimed to have invented the guitar,
But they were such lyres.
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
What do you call a fish with two knees? A two-knee-fish!
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
I avoid bike trails after dark. They are full of cycle paths.
Their romance started by candlelight.
But it only lasted a wick.
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Best in snow.
A guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines so I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Say what you want about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Did you hear about the two cell phones that got married?
The ceremony was so so but the reception was superb.
What do you call Mary J Blige’s accommodating Irish cousin?
Mary O’Blige.
How do you catch a unique bunny? Unique up on it.
What did Bacon say to Tomato? Lettuce get together!
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday… said maybe they'll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age!
In the night, a visitor came past my igloo. It was a yeti!
Not sure who left the other cooler, but thanks!
How can you tell the camera was afraid of the toaster?
Everytime he looked at it, it made him shutter.
What did the turkey say before it was roasted? Boy! I'm stuffed!
What is a baby sasquatch's favorite toy?
His Yeti Bear!
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
Why do Russian teapots have to go to bed early?
Because samovars have to work tomorrow.
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