What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a frog?
A jump rope.
Did you hear about that show that tests the listening skills of vegetables?
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants.
I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What kind of magazine does a rock like to read?
Rolling Stone.
Why did the artist go to the lounge? Because it was her comfort tone.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
I like my wine sweet and my humor dry.
A small step for cyan, a giant leap for bluemanity.
What is one of the big tiger's most favorite hangout places? A shopping maul.
Wear green, or leaf.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
Where do connoisseurs lock up their best bottles?
In a wine cabernet.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
"It's wine o'clock."
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
Why do saxophone players get so many dates?
Because they have sax appeal
Did you hear about the rich rabbit? He was a millionhare!
I was surprised when I saw a boat in the driveway so I asked my wife about it.
She said there was a great sail.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Why were people in the Medieval times so self absorbed?
Because they thought that they were the center of the universe.
An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?
I broke up with my partner on our front stairs.
It was a stoop end to the situation.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.
Why couldn’t the cat read a book? He was il-litter-ate!
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Why don’t quarterbacks share puns at the line of scrimmage?
Because they produce audible groans!
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.
The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!
Everybody romaine calm.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
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