She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do you call a grilled cheese sandwich that's all up in your face? Too close for comfort food.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
I had no one to help me when my computer and phone mutinied
I was left to my own devices.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
When you lick the icing off a spoon are you defrosting it?
What does a hunter do with a basketball?
He shoots it.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What will you call two quizzers having a date in spain comic con?
Spanish con-quiz-daters.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
A man struggled to cut up his dinner. His wife asked, “what’s wrong, hunny?” The man sighed, and said:
“This knife just isn’t gonna cut it.”
There’s a man in Florida with no arms or legs who is armed and on the run
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
"Having a good hare day."
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
Which Nordique great has recurring ligament problems? Peter Spaz-knee!
What do you call a knife that cuts 4 loaves of Irish bread at once?
A four loaf cleaver!
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why did the hobbit set his cell phone to vibrate?
He was afraid the ring would give him away.
What do you call it when a guy throws his laptop into the ocean?
Adele, Rollin’ in the Deep.
Why didn't the bicycle want to go anywhere?
It was two tired.
"I'm eggs-hausted."
Why people did not like the restaurant on? Because there was literally no atmosphere.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.
I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
Turtles love taking shell-fies.
After the rain has cleared and the sun comes out, rainbows are so quick to appear they'll red like wildfire.
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
A dull, dark dock, a life-long lock,
A short, sharp shock, a big black block!
To sit in solemn silence in a pestilential prison,
And awaiting the sensation
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
Why did the old woman fall into the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
What sound does a vacuum sweeper make when it explodes?
Ka-BROOM!!!
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
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