A chemistry lab is like a big party.
Some drop the acid while others drop the base.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
"Love the wine you're with."
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
What was Valentine’s favorite dessert for the French cat?
Chocolate mousse
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
What did the nut tree say when his wife left him? I walnut stand for this!
Why did the fruit run for president? He wanted world peach.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
There was a bull in the neighborhood who would always vandalize my farm. Guess it was because I harvested Spanish onions.
What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
What do pig’s use as soap? Hogwash.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What is a sleeping brain's favorite musical group (rock band)?
REM.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
How do you kill a troll?
Take away its internet access.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
I quit my job at the concrete plant.
My job was getting harder & harder.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
An ig is just a snow house without a loo!
What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay? A deviled egg!
Baby flamingos really are badly behaved. I think it’s because their parents never put their foot down.
I always remember to eat my soup with a spoon.
It’s un-fork-edible.
If a purple-colored fruit gets stuck in your drain, then you should call a plum-ber to fix it.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
What was Moses' favorite color?
Red, see?
Why are beavers only found in freshwaters? Because they don't like stale water.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What covers the floor of the motzarella forest?
Cheese sticks.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion.
I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses? Tulips.
What did the happy kitten say? I’m feline good!
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