I was at a thrift store and the guy ahead of me was purchasing an antique urn made in Greece
He asked the cashier if she knew how much a Greek urns.
A car carrying bank robbers and a truck carrying cement collided yesterday. Police are now searching for hardened criminals.
I expected a call last night, so I slept with my phone under my pillow.
When I woke up it was gone, and there was a dollar coin in its place?!
Must have been the Bluetooth Fairy...
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
You’re unbeleafable.
Tigers are like army soldiers. They both grow up to earn some stripes.
What’s in the middle of a jellyfish?
A jelly button.
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
What do you call a skeleton who goes out in the snow?
A numb-skull.
Zebras usually hold strong opinions. They are very black and white creatures.
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
Why don’t Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers.
With the kind of weather, it was almost certain that the bride-to-be would get a hoarse throat as she walked through the rain into her bridal shower.
What do you call a rifle that shoots salt?
A salt rifle.
How do you catch a unique tiger?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame tiger?
Tame way.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back?
He was dead lifting.
You sleigh me.
I think the final paragraph of my essay is on the top shelf...
But I don't want to jump to conclusions.
Archeologists discovered an ancient Egyptian tomb that was dedicated solely to women.
At least that's what they concluded as it was full of Mummys.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
You're so clover!
What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
I lost my cat in a snowstorm!
But he should be fine because he's a cool cat.
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
Octopus ocular optics.
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