How do bears keep their houses cool in summer?
Bear conditioning.
Which films is the car’s favourite?
WiperBlade 1, 2 and Trinity.
What is the difference between lightning and electricity. For electricity, you need to pay, but
lightning kills for free.”
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
When we cross a deer and a mouse, what would we get?
“Mickey Moose!”
A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
After having learned the history of chess, I have come to the conclusion that all chess players have quite a checkered past.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What did the flower say after he told a joke?
I was just pollen your leg!
When banana growers are heart broken, what do they sing? What else but Peelings?
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
Someone who does not become a witch until they're old is a late broomer.
What does the Ghost say when he sneezes? - Ach-ooooooooooooooooooooo!
You’re unbeleafable.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Why do prisoners have PTSD? Cell Shock.
What happened when Frankenstein’s monster first met his girlfriend?
It was love at first fright.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an alien?
A Mars-upial.
The closer we came to the alley, the louder the bowling thunder.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.
Where do fish wash?
In a river basin.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
Whale, hello there.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
Why don’t you see penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
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