What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
What does a cow ride when his car is broken?
A COW-asaki MOO-torcycle.
Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
Which dance will a chicken not do?
The foxtrot.
Did you hear about the flower who joined Tinder?
He just wants somebudy to love.
Eggs - the original boneless chicken.
What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
Why is it always easy for vampires to find their better halves?
Because it’s always love at first bite.
A vampire can't be a comedian. They just aren't funny, and worst of all they always know they suck.
How did citizens of Ancient Greece measure land for crops?
By Demeter.
There’s a lot of debate over where the best place to punch a shark is.
Personally, I think it’s the sea.
Why did the ghoul bury the trophy?
Because he wanted it engraved!
What sound do 8 sheep make?
Octo-bah.
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.
Why do turkeys always go, "gobble, gobble"? Because they never learned good table manners!
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What did the baby cloud say to its mum when it rained? Sorry, mum, I couldn't hold it any longer.
What did Papa cabinet advise to his Son cabinet before his first date?
"Just be youshelf"
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
If you live in an igloo made of snow, what’s the worst thing about global warming?
No privacy!
What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call a one-inch zombie?
Tomb thumb!
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
My dad used to be an airline pilot, but he decided to retire because it got too Boe-ing.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
He named the street he built after his wife.
It was very apt, as she was cold, hard, cracked and only got ploughed around Christmas.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
"Sip, sip hooray."
What’s the easiest way to catch fish? Have someone throw it at you!
I was astonished when my shirt's color changed from red to pink after a wash. Guess it showed me its true colors.
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
What’s the ratio of a pumpkin’s circumference to its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
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