A physics student ask his teacher: "Can you point me to someone who can teach me a way in which quantum mechanics can be united with general relativity?"
The teacher answers: "Let me see if I can pull some strings for you."
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
What's one of the worst things you could come across while surfing the web?
Your keyboard.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
What should you do if you can't afford a fancy trumpet?
Buy a frugelhorn
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
All theatres love to see scarecrows out in the audience as reviewers! They're simply outstanding in their field.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What happens when a cow stops shaving?
It grows a Moostache.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
What dd the man in the moon do when his hair got too long? Eclipse it.
Never go on a date with a cactus
They'll spike your drink
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.
What is an owl who has been caught called?
A spotted owl.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
What sort of cakes do snowmen like?
The ones with thick icing!
It's ice to meet you.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What did the worm say to the other when he was late home? Where in earth have you been.
What did the glass of wine say to the beer?
Nothing... They barley knew each other.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
When does a skeleton laugh?
When someone tickles his funny bone.
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
How do you make garlic toast? Lift your glass and talk about the wonderful things it has done.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
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