I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What money do zombies use?
Crypt-o-currency.
Reading is a novel idea.
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
What kind of gang violence is common among owls?
A drive by hooting.
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
It was a great fire. It was a bon-fire.
I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless
What do cars have on toast.
Butter and traffic jam.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Q: Why did the tiger cross the road?
A: To stop the zebra crossing.
What Kind of Books do Rabbits Read? Ones with Hoppy Endings.
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Why was the baby ant confused?
Because all his uncles were ants.
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Irish I had better jokes.
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
Ah! The element of surprise.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
What do gnome allergy sufferers call a reaction caused by daisy-like flowers?
An aster-risk.
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
My dad was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
I have an uncle, once removed.
Why did the dolphin end its own life?
It was missing a porpoise.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
What happens if an elf catches you being naughty?
Yule be sorry!
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
His chest.
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
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