What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
Ireland is a little lamb-boyant.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
My friend built an aromatherapy vaporiser with a built-in brain scanner
Seems a bit out there, but makes scents when you think about it.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What do you call a lobster with a Christmas hat?
Santa Claws
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
Why is Frankenstein’s monster so popular?
He’s a real people person.
A few years ago, I had a job translating pre-Classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
What is an energy provider’s favorite dance?
The electric slide.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
In the medieval ages, many knights had to travel throughout day and night. In order to increase their visibility in darkness, they invented a device known as the knightvision goggles.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a leaf blower? A hare dryer!
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
You don't know jack-o-lantern
Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He ate his pizza before it was cool.
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