What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?
What do you get when you cross a vampire with an ice cube?
You end up with frost bite.
"Have an egg-cellent Easter."
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
My Microwave is a Liar. On the front it says "30-60 Seconds for a Hot Dog."
I keep running that thing for minutes on end but I never get a Hot Dog to come out.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What's a Koalas favorite drink? Coca Koala!
What did the dog order at a restaurant?
His owner’s homework.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
What do you call a blind dinosaur? adoyouthinkhesaurus.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
I’ll try to keep it brief, but I have so much to Marseilles about France.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
What kind of music group only makes songs for exercise programs?
A sweatband.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Musicians?
Oh yeah, we think outside the Bach’s.
What human body part is long, hard, bendable, and contains the letters p,e,n,i,s?
Your spine.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
Why was the thermometer smarter than the graduated cylinder?
He had more degrees.
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Why did the elephant ask to borrow a suitcase?
Because he only had a little trunk.
I would rather breed mice than crows
Mischief is one thing, but I don't think I can pull off a murder.
What did Dracula say when he saw a giraffe for the first time?
I’d like to get to gnaw you.
I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
Why do pandas love watching classic movies?
Because they are in black and white.
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede? Bacon and Legs.
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