Had to replace all the bulbs in the side table lamps. Then I had to replace the ones in my ceiling fan.
That was the highlight of my day.
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
My dad thought Cuba would be boring. He's now Havana a really great time.
How does a Snowman get to work?
By icicle.
Are Jellyfish sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish?
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
What’s a Movers favorite football team?
The Packers!
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
What do you call a pianist who throws trash everywhere?
Litterachi.
Our backstage manager is leaving at the end of the year. He has been an outstanding member of our theatre team.
Props to him.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What kind of key has no lock?
A turkey.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
Why don't crabs give birthday presents?
Because they're just shellfish.
What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
You get as far away as possible.
Medieval Kings and Queens were afraid of the rain in the middle ages because the rain would storm the castle.
What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why did the volleyball player join the marines? To serve our country.
What do you call a clairvoyant midget who has escaped from prison? A small medium at large.
"You're a real good egg."
Where do pigs learn about magic?
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
What do whales do when they get angry?
They blow up and then let off steam.
Why did the electrician marry his colleague? He couldn’t resistor.
I have written a book on Penguins.
In hindsight, paper would have been better.
What do you call a hamster in between two slices of bread?
A ham sandwich.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
Where do point guards take their dates to party after the game?
To a basket ball.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
When Berry the dog dug up the woman's strawberry patch, she angrily exclaimed "That is the final straw, Berry."
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.
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