The scarecrow won an award because it had been excellent in its field.
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus? Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
What do you call a can of soda in a conglomerate? Coca-Cola Clastic.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Who did Dracula take to the school dance? His ghoul friend.
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips?
A chipmunk.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!
Why was the penguin popular?
Because he was an ice guy.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
My wife says she wants to order a glass of wine during our Valentine’s Day dinner.
She says she loves being carded.
What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
Seas the day.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
Did you hear the story of the little ghoul that grew up?
It became a headhunter!
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you call a gnome priest?
A compact disc.
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
"I have a split personality," said Tom, being frank.
What did the energy company’s CEO credit her success to?
A series of strategic power moves.
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
How are ladies' baseball teams and cupcakes alike?
Both are delicious and depend on a good batter.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
What do you call Dragon with no silver?
A dron.
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You think dinosaurs are scary?
Imagine dragons!
What did the anciient Roman soldier tell his girlfriend?
You are a solid X
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
Golfer: The doctor says I can’t play golf.
Caddie: Oh, he’s played with you, too, eh?
Did you hear that Notre Dame gave up four interceptions last week?
Knute Rockne would turnover in his grave!
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
When is it raining money? Whenever there's 'change' in the weather.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
Those were Goodyears.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What do you call it when it rains ducks and geese?
Fowl weather.
Why was the baseball player so good at writing advertising jingles?
Because they're so catchy.
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