What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
It’s raining cats and dogs today - I just hope it doesn’t rain deer!
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
What is a French cat's favorite dessert? Chocolate mousse!
Homeless man attacks kid with a knife
Don’t worry the kid was fine. He had a knife.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
My wife made beef stew to clear my stuffed nose...
...bud I don'd dink it was strogonoff.
You have me greening from ear to ear.
What language do things that fly in the sky speak....
Plane english
Where do most koala movie stars live? In Koalawood, Koalafornia, of course!
I was waiting at the hotel's lobby when the WiFi was disconnecting from time to time.
I really hated that reception.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
My wife said the stretch marks on her legs looked like lightning bolts...
So I said, that's because you have thunder thighs.
What type of car does a cowboy drive?
Audi partner.
Irish you luck.
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Which soccer position does a Ghost play? Ghoulkeeper, of course.
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
Why is it impossible to have a balanced conversation with a female mushroom? - Because shiitake too much!
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What is a cat's favorite color in the rainbow? Purrrrrple of course.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
What do you call a skeleton with no friends?
Bonely.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
Don't get tide down.
What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?
"I'm taking you into crustody"
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Why does the rabbit bring toilet paper to the party? Because he is a party pooper.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
My son asked me how often planes crash
Usually just once
A friend of mine swallowed some food colouring. He feels he dyed a little inside.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Who would win in a fight between a kangaroo and a zebra?
The zebra. Because he has so many black belts.
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
What kind of jokes do skeletons tell?
Humerus ones.
What do you call a bat with ebola? African batman.
TV repair during lockdown has been pretty easy.
It’s mostly remote work.
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