Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...
...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
Why was the gnome just standing over his lawnmower and crying?
Because he hit a rough patch.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
I have a bone to pixie with you.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
What do you have to know to teach a bat tricks?
More than a bat.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
“If you’re lucky this Christmas, Santa Claus will grace you with his presents.”
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Why did the keyboard not get any sleep?...
Because it has two shifts.
Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
Because it's super natural.
"I heard some dictator wants to move the Earth further from the sun."
"Why??"
"Because it will take longer to make a full revolution."
What does a cow put on his French toast?
Moooolasses.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Any noise annoys an oyster but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more.
What does an alcoholic flower say when they reach out for help?
Lilac the ability to stop.
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Where do bats go to gamble?
Bat-lantic City.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
Did you hear about the crocodile who was unable to mate?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
If your dog was a neurologist, what would it do all day?
Perform PET scans.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What do you get when you cross a "bad idea for using fur" with 86 billion neurons?
A hare-brained idea.
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!
What did the stimulus do to the neuron after they got married?
Carried it over the threshold.
Why was the Egyptian kid confused?
His daddy was his mummy!
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Flamingoes have a special name for one of their numbers who has passed away. They call it flamingone.
No one really enjoys crying wolf. However, the boy did cry just to get a howling experience.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
If the sun shines while it’s snowing, what should you look for?
Snowbows.
What's the article of winter clothing most appropriate for Valentine's Day?
's mitten.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
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