My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
When I was in school I got a B in biology, a C in chemistry.
And an F in Physics.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
I heard there are some fires near Greece
We’re gonna need a lot of baking soda.
What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum?
A meltdown!
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tell it a funny Halloween joke and see which end laughs!
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
Did you hear about the sheep's jousting tournament?
It was a real baa-lancing act.
Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
What do you call a cat from Italy?
Spacatti.
The sun is mad at the clouds because the clouds keep throwing shade.
Give me some pigskin
A bald man walks into the Hair Club. “I’d like to buy a hair piece if the price is right.”
Hair Club Salesperson: “Well sir, how much do you want toupee?”
How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
I told my friend that our old school friend is coming to attend St Patrick's feast. She was surprised. She asked, "O'Reilly?"
What does the zombie say to her zombie crush?
- Are you going to kiss me or rot?
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
How did Gertie Gorilla win the beauty contest? She was the beast of the show!
Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
I usually prefer cold weather, but only to a certain degree.
Why did the boy soon stop trying to grab the mountain fog? Because he always mist.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
Who was the greatest dog detective?
Sherlock Bones.
What do you call a deer that feeds on the blood of others?
Vlad the impala.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
I hate it when the grammar Nazis single me out.
It seems like a which hunt.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
What do you drink before you audition for "The Voice" ? Tea-Lo Green
What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
You’re my soul Santa.
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
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