What painting is terrible at ever being happy? The Moaning Lisa.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
When doing laundry, the mother wolf accidentally fell into the washing machine. It became a wash and wearwolf.
Soviet goaltenders got their hair cut at Vladislav's Tress-shack.
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight
But that's ok. It was acci-dental.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
My friend has an insect parasite that can't stop fidgeting as it sucks blood.
He has a nervous tick.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
You are aged to perfection.
I was sailing my boat when a massive hand rose out of the water and then slowly disappeared...
I thought, 'That's the biggest wave I've ever seen!'
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I just burned my Hawaiian pizza in the oven
I guess I should have put it on aloha setting
Why wasn't King Kong able to climb to the top of the Empire State Building?
He couldn't quite fit in the elevator.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
My computer became self aware and asked for a snack.
I replied, "Sorry I'm fresh out of computer chips."
My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
You feta have a gouda birthday.
I saw an Italian man cooking pasta with a flame thrower.
I cannoli imagine what he was thinking.
This morning, my dad told me something that gave me the chills.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture
I have a hunch, it might be me.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What type of tree can be put inside your hand? A palm tree.
Why would a horse make a good president?
They know how to lead.
Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.
I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
A flamingo only ever asks for a plaster when it hurts its pinky.
Q: When is a Pharaoh like a piece of wood?
A: When he's a ruler.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
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