What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What do you call a locomotive with a cold? A choo choo train.
Singular: One mango
Plural: Two menwent
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
How do Vikings get each other's attention?
They ValHolla!
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Do black and white count as colors?
It's a gray area.
Sinks cannot open doors
Let that sink in.
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
I bought a new heater for my wife.
She didn't like it first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
My friend showed me how he keeps his expensive butcher knife sharp.
I thought it was pretty cleaver.
Take off all your cloves.
The perfect description of a bowling game is one where there is plenty of room at the top, but no room to lie down.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade; when life gives you apples, make physics equations.
(Looking at you Newton).
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
What do you call rabbits that live at the North Pole? Cold.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
Why did the kicker finally decide to marry his high school sweetheart?
She was a fair catch!
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
What happened when the bat swallowed the alarm-clock?
She turned into a ding-bat.
Feeling my shelf.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Which animal can hibernate while standing on its head?
Yoga Bear.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle neck jumper.
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
What did the Tyrannosaurus rex get after mopping the floor? Dino-sore!
Don't get caught between a chalk and a hard place.
What do you call an English rock band playing in the mist? Foghat.
What happens when you go to the bathroom in France?
European!
How do you know the tooth fairy is a journalist?
They're always searching for the tooth.
Does your computer constantly and annoyingly have tons of updates to install?
Of course it does. Software needs to get better over a number of years and you can't rush the progress.
Chrome wasn't built in a day.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
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