What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.
What kind of pet fish did the skeleton have?
A bonefish.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh Khufu sent to jail?
A: He ran a pyramid scheme.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
Why did Bill's friend get covered in beer?
Because William Shakes Beer.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
I poisoned my wifes pita dip.
The police charged me with hummus-cide.
All you need is a little vitamin sea.
Why did the vegan go deep-sea fishing? Just for the halibut!
What do you call a cold dog sitting on a rabbit? A chili dog on a bun!
St. Patrick’s is all about the pursuit of hoppiness!
Linda-Lou Lambert Loves Lemon Lollipop Lipgloss.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
Panda ghosts love to eat bam-boo.
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
The beavers avoid going deep-diving now. They saw one beaver hitting rock bottom.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims "I can't believe it's not Buddha!"
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Why are parrots so loyal? They are a man of their bird!
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
If you photograph your pimples, is zit art?
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
I must say, my wife's cooking has really improved.
That was the best slice of soup I've ever had.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
I'm considering becoming a cinematografur.
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
What do you call a wizard aboard a spacecraft?
A flying sorcerer.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
Why did the Beatles stop inviting Ringo to Thanksgiving?
Because he wouldn't share the drumsticks.
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
Why does Satan not eat the bread part of the pizza?
Because he's the Anti-Crust!
What is a bear’s favorite drink?
Koka-Koala.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
What kind of cats love to go bowling? Alley cats!
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.
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