An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
What's as big as a dinosaur but weighs nothing? Her shadow!
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Vikings weren't exactly the best at drinking contests.
They were quite MEADiocre.
What's the greatest problem facing Poland?
The four-ten split.
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
Why shouldn’t you shoot an alligator?
He’ll just bite the bullet and make the best of it.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
We were mermaid for each other.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
One bowl of soup said to the other, "Hello Broth-er".
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
Once upon a time, a knight hosted a live improvisational comedy show for everyone in town. It was known as 'Saturday Knight Live'.
Where do you take a sick hornet?
To the waspital.
How do French skeletons say hello?
- Bone-jour!
I love you from my head tomatoes.
"Just don't carrot all."
What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? Canned food.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
How many French eggs do you need?
One egg is un oeuf.
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
What do cows do when they’re introduced?
They give each other a milk shake.
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
What happened when a man practiced archery near some stationary planes? They ended up very arrow-dynamic.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What's the opposite of an elephant?
An eleph-antonym.
Doctor Doctor I've broken my arm in four places.
Docter: Well stop going to those 4 places then!
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
My dog wants to be a tradesman.
I think he wants to be a woof-er.
I love when you coddle me.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2
Why was the horse such a good dancer?
It perfected its halturn.
When you get a rainbow after the rain at least you are moving in the bright direction.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!
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