What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
To beer or not to beer… That is the question.
What do you call memory loss in a parrot?
Polynesia
Where my prose at?
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
Cassini spacecraft took pictures of both Saturn and Earth. It was literally the best of both worlds.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
Did you hear about the scary couple in prom this year? It was a mummy and his ghoul-friend.
Rock was magma before it was cool.
My singing voice sounds bad in my tiny apartment.
It’s a little flat.
All punts are highly intended
Which superstar has a nose for the puck? Mario the Magsniffascent.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why don’t dolphins play basketball?
Because they’re afraid of the net!
How do Chinese people make cutlery?
They chopsticks.
A barber, a hairdresser, and Bigfoot walk into a bar...
You know what...I'm gonna shave this joke for another time.
What is the warmest period in the history of the world's climate called?
Climax.
When you come across oranges wearing suntan lotion, don’t judge them harshly. They do so in order not to peel.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
My friend was killed by a 2 ton sack of falling chickpeas
The police verdict? Hummuscide.
What do ghouls drink?
Boos!
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
What do you call half of a centaur?
A per-centaur.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
Why do blind people hate diving?
It scares the hell out of their dogs.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
If I made werewolf puns, they would be howl-arious.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
An opinion without 3.14159 is just an onion.
So my brother is grating cheese for a dip. He looks up and says,
"I'm the gratest."
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
My father decided to mow the lawn today. As he mowed, all the grass blade.
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Volleyball is air affair. This would be a good motto for your team.
What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ant-ique.
What do pigs do on the evening of February 14th?
They have a valenswines dinner.
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