The best place for a ghost to go on holiday is The Dead Sea.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What did the lamp say to the flickering candle?
"Do you want to go out sometime soon?"
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
After hearing about my history major, my dad said, “You should go visit Italy in late August.Then you can witness The Fall of Rome."
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
A Zebra said to a Lion “Let’s swap roles for a while."
The Lion said “ I’m game!”.
Some people think prison is one word… but to criminals it’s the whole sentence.
What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?
They were using fowl language.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.
What do you call a Smart TV?
In-telly-gent.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Where do beavers go for a hair cut? To the bobber shop.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
What did the baby chicken say when he saw his mother sitting on an orange?
Dad, look what marma-laid!
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I hate being married to a microwave
Every time I give her my two cents she blows up
Did you hear about the Irishman killed with a garden gnome?
It was a knick-knack paddywhack.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
Why wasn't the bag boy allowed to work at the juice bar?
Because baggers cant be juicers.
Which commandment do baseball players hate the most? Thou shall not steal.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Why don’t alligators watch movies?
Because they live in swamps.
What do you call two days of rain in a row in Seattle?
The weekend.
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
My love for you simply radiates.
What happened when the two giraffes had a race?
It was neck and neck.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
A prankster played a really dark and dim-witted joke at the theatre. He turned off the lights.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
What happened when the semi-colon broke grammar laws?
He was given two consecutive sentences.
Who's the most popular kitchen appliance?
The freezer, he's really cool
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What does a volleyball player do when they go to prom? They spike the punch.
What do you call a lazy goat?
Billy Idle.
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