Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
What do you call the ghost of a chicken? A poultry-geist.
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
Took my giant spoon to my cooking class last night. It caused quite a stir.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Q. How do you describe the inate behavior of a new mother deer?
A. Doe-ting
Why are geologists so good in school?
They take nothing for granite.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
What did the grilled cheese say to the frying pan?
You make me melt.
The Leaning Tower of Pisa is in Italy
So it’s italicized!
Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
How do snowboarders introduce themselves when they meet somebody on the slopes?
Sorry Dude.
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
What do you call a grandpa flower?
Poppy.
What do you call 2000 mockingbirds?
2 kilo mockingbird
What do gorillas and orangutans wear in the kitchen?
Ape-rons.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
You must be the Easter Bunny, because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
What do you call a goblin brigand?
A robgoblin.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
What did the cat do to someone she had wronged? She a-paw-logized.
What's invisible and smells like worms?
Bird farts.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
Our flamingo colleague was leaving for a new job recently. We all told him to flamingo for it.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What’s the only thing divorce proves?
Whose mother was right in the first place.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
I'm giving away my legless parrot, no perches necessary!
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