What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
At a get-together, one fruit asked another "I was wondering how have you been". The other replied "Just peachy, isn't that grape?"
What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Which cheese surrounds a medieval castle?
Moatzarella.
What did Michael Jackson say to his chess opponent?
“It don’t matter if you’re black or white.”
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
People are always after me lucky charms.
If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
You cannot strike it, if you don’t try it.
As you would expect, most airline pilots make friends only in high places.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
"Whale, what do we have here?" said the mermaid.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
In the old times, the medieval kings and queens would only visit the dentist just before their coronation. This is because they wanted their teeth crowned!
I’ll think of another pun soon…
Just bear with me.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Don’t be elfish.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers.
Where do meteorologists like to drink after work?
The closest ISOBAR.
What do you call a bad electrician? A shock absorber!
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Q: Why couldn’t the boy keep his documents open when he left a window open in winter?
A: Because it was too Win+D
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Why is the letter B so cold? Because it’s between the AC.
Why do skeletons drink so much milk?
It’s good for the bones!
What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.
I over boiled some venison broth earlier.
It was deerly mist.
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.
What happens when you hire an odd-job guy to do 8 jobs?
They only do 1, 3, 5 and 7.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Go to BabaMail
