Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
Why was the dog chasing his own tail?
Because he was trying to make both ends meet.
How do you greet a skeleton in france?
"Bonejour."
*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"
ERROR: [Password two week]
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
You’re right up my alley.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
Of course Napolean did not design the coat that he was wearing but we all knew that he had his hand on it.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
One of the funny puns uttered by Mark Twain is that denial is not just a river in Egypt.
Two crows land on a park bench.
They were arrested for conspiring to murder.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
Why does the dolphin kingdom never go to war?
Because it would defeat the porpoise.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
I don't agree with battery hens.
Surely they'd lay bigger eggs if they were plugged into the mains.
What would a tiger running a Xerox machine in the back of a store be called? A copycat.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
I got an email today saying I could win $10,000 in a fishing competition.
But I'm sure there's a catch involved somewhere.
How did the beaver introduce his wife? This is my significant otter.
What do you call a baby potato? Tater tots!
How many Chinese folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change lightbulbs, then just dim sum.
Why did the chicken go to KFC?
He wanted to see a chicken strip.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
A son asked his dad: "Dad, are we pyromaniacs?"
The dad responded with: "Yes, we arson."
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Did you hear about the 2 apes that kept fighting with each other?
It was gorilla warfare.
They don’t maintain the outhouses at our campground anymore...
They’re real sh** holes.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Do you think you know more parrot jokes than me? Toucan play that game!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.
The sound of my bones really cracks me up.
[Food Spread] This is the line of scrumptiousness.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
An organization that citricises its workers cannot get the maximum juice out of them.
Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
Samson. He brought the house down.
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