Did you hear about the two bats meeting? It was love at first bite!
How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
Squeaky clean!
Nobody knows about Napoleon's brother because they were born-apart-e.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
My love for you is like no otter.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
You can always find the little cows eating lunch inside the calf-etiria.
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…
…country music."
What did the British man say to the man with the submachine gun he's never met?
Uzi?
I can relate to my computer so much. Even I go to sleep after 25mins of inactivity.
I was thinking of making an investment on a new farming venture that feeds marijuana to cows instead of grass.
The steaks will be too high for sure.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do flowers study in college?
STEM.
I was going to buy a new pillow....
but I decided I better sleep on it first
The Earth without 'art'...
....is 'EH'
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
Where does Sasquatch store his stuff while he's out on a hike?
In a big footlocker.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
How can you tell the difference between an English and French crow?
"PourCUAWWW! PourCUAWWW!"
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
How will you make a baby astronaut fall asleep peacefully? Rock-et.
There was a fight at the fish restaurant last night.
Two haddock got battered.
What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a large chested crab?
One’s a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean
How do you get a one-armed monkey out of a tree?
Wave to it.
What’s the number one complaint pig spouses have about one another? Too stub-boar-n.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?
CSI.
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
“Did you know that the Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a
bit?”
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