Why was the boxer fired from his job?
He never punched out.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
What sits in a tree and says "Hoots mon, hoots mon?"
A Scottish owl.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
The cabinet I made just collapsed and a bunch of books fell and hit me.
I’ve only got my shelf to blame.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
And yes, gnomes are always trying to get to first base with the ladies.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
What do you call vampires bats that cheer at football games?
Bat-on-twirlers.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
A friend of mine once found a hundred dollar bill in his pocket after doing laundry...
I became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
Did you know garden gnomes wear little red hats?
It’s a little gnome fact.
In the 5th month of every year, my aunt lets her pigs in the field…
It’s mayham!
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Dad Bee left. Mama Bee calls out ...
Honeycomb home!
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
What do stylish frogs wear?
Jumpsuits.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
Grammar has never been my strong suit.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
What did the ponies do when it was raining? Stay ind-horse.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
What do you call a white crow?
A caw-casian.
What do elephants call their mother's sister?
Eleph-aunt.
Why did the mathematician work from home?
Because he could only function in his domain.
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What fish are at the zoo?
Lion fish!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
Why did you fall in love with the Paris art museum? It was just Louvre at first site.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
What happens when an alligator drives a boat?
He becomes a navigator.
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