What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Don’t let your grandparents have daughters.
That’s how you get aunts.
My family wanted me to cut the grass, but I couldn't get myself mow-tivated.
here do lobsters go to borrow money? The prawn broker.
How do Santa’s elves go to different floors in the North Pole toy workshop? They use the elf-avator!
Where do penguins go to dance?
The snow ball!
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
What do you call a cow in a rooster costume? Roost beef.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
What did the dolphin do to the woman who was rude to it?
Flipper off!
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
What happens when a Mexican gets to the worm? He passes out.
What happens if the Grim Reaper spikes the ball? You have to dig your own grave.
Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Someone said, "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."
So I through a dictionary at them.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I’m delighted
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
So I cut down a tree using my vision today
It’s true, I SAW it with my own eyes.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Why did the computer squeak? Because someone stepped on its mouse!
And what should every barista say to their customers? Have a brew-tiful day.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
The most useless room in a ghost's home in the living room.
It was reported that a tiger recently exploded in the forest fire. They say it was a Royal Bang-al Tiger.
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
What did the last of the zombies say to the survivers of the apocalypse?
- It’s been a living hell with you guys around.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What is a cow’s favorite lunch meat?
Bullogna.
Dracula had to move out of his medieval castle for a couple of weeks because it was getting re-vamp-ed!
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Santa's beard is so long because he's bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?
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