I read dead people.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
A truck full of christmas trees have been stolen.
Police admit they are stumped.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with a kangaroo?
An animal that keeps its nuts in its pockets.
What did the Italian marine Biologist say when asked to identify an eel?
That's a moray!
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What's the difference between a BMW and a Cactus?
Pricks are on the outside of Cactuses.
What's a barista's favorite exercise at the gym? The French press.
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
My Co-Worker came in today exhausted from staying up all night watching Television comedies...
She Satired.
What’s a horse’s favorite grocery store?
No-fillies.
I was asked who my favorite vampire was. I said it was the Muppet from Sesame Street.
They said, he doesn't count!
I replied, "I can assure you, he does!"
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
Tony the tiger ate both of my grandmother's parents.
Tearfully, I asked him why. He just looked at me and said, "They're GREAT!"
If you really want to get a date at a restaurant, it’s always nice to cut to the cheese.
Did you hear about the restaurant they built on the moon?
The food is good but it lacks atmosphere.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What do you call a gushing keyboard?
sqwerty
My wife is mad at me because I took a dump on the roof...
How can I wipe the slate clean?
Why did the bunny build herself a new house? She was fed up with the hole thing!
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
You have goat to be kidding me.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Neighbor Dad 1: How often do you cut the grass? Your lawn looks so much better than mine!
Neighbor Dad 2: That's on a need to mow basis.
Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?
Because it was over 90 degrees.
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
Does February like March?
No, but April May.
Why go to the beach? I’d rather be by the ski-side.
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
At what point will you love to change your bulbs the most?
When sparks fly.
How do you greet a five-headed ghoul?
Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello!
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
I'm not too worried, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.
What’s worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
Do you comma here often?
If Russia wants to be the first country to produce a vaccine ...
... Then Soviet.
Did you hear about the doctor who was practicing bee venom therapy without a license?
He was arrested in a sting operation.
I'm trying to break the ice, but you just keep giving me the cold shoulder.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
After watching me read “War and Peace”, my son asked me, “Dad, why is the book so thick?”
Me: Well, it’s a long story.
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