How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
I stumbled into a room where everyone's ears were missing.
I know it sounds EARy, but it wasn't.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
Did you hear about the extremely serious gorilla?
He didn't monkey around.
I’m saving money for bushes to plant around the yard when my career is over...
It’s my retirement hedge fund.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
I have always had acrophobia, but the plane flight brought it to a new height.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
When the proposal of building a parking lot was given to Richard III, he told said, "Over my dead body."
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Why are artists so temperamental? They have to get into the right frame of mind.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
Birch, please.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
Why was the whale so sad?
The fish was said because he was a Blue whale!
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
How does a bear get from one place to another?
On a bear-o-plane.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Q. What does a doe stripper at a stag party take off?
A. Everything but her un-deer-wear.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
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