Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.
I'm saving for a rainy day, so far I've collected a couple of raincoats, an anorak, and a dinghy.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
Why did Alexander not like eating chicken legs? Because he hated defeat.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
As the storm was brewing, the madman raised his hands and cried, "Hail Storms! Long may they rain!"
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm.
I gave her superglue instead.
She's still not talking to me.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What was wrong with the deer’s smile?
He had buck teeth.
The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...
I guess he would have to start from scratch.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Why can't inmates read a clock? Because it's hard time.
What vehicle does a grammar teacher drive?
A Syllabus.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
It’s a winterful day!
How do you make a telephone in the jungle?
With toucans and a piece of string.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
What do turtles do when one of them has a birthday?
They have a shell-ebration.
What do you call a small scoop of ice-cream? A uni-cone.
I heard that starting next year, keyboards will no longer be sold with italics...
But it was a bold-faced lie.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
What’s the best way to settle church disputes?
With canons.
What do rocks eat?
Pom-a-granites.
As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”
I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”
What did the lost witch ask the wizard?
- Witch way to the Halloween party?
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What did the pilot of the Enola Gay say before dropping the bomb ?
"Let me Atom."
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
What bone does a dog not eat?
A trombone.
In life, the rule of thumb is, don’t bite more than you can chew unless it is chocolate.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
I was pretty mad when the air conditioner stopped working...
I lost my cool.
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