Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why did Immanuel Kant lend his machine gun to forces plotting a military coup?
Because he willed that his Maxim could make a general rule.
What time is it when little white flakes fall past the classroom window?
Snow and Tell.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What's a bipolar person's favorite type of music? Swing.
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
What do you call the king of vegetables? Elvis Parsley.
A ghost's favourite pie flavour is boo-berry.
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What did the ice cream cone write on his valentine card?
You make me melt.
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
You cannot get a basketball game fairly officiated in the jungle because cheetahs are all over.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
I followed my heart to you.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
What do you call a party for snowmen? A snowball.
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was 2-tired.
"No body won the skeleton race."
Why did the bus driver eat a burger? He wanted to 'bus-t' his energy!
I got tricked into buying a cooling fan that didn't work...
It was an air con.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Went camping last night. It was in-tents.
I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
I used to hate facial hair...
But then it grew on me.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
I was so disappointed when I went to the court house themed restaurant and all they gave me was frozen water.
Justice was served.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do you call a blessed blanket?
Holy sheet
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
I like to tell this one joke about homemade bombs
But it always blows up in my face.
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
My wife is fed up of my constant Dad jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
Wife: "Whatever means necessary!"
Me: "No it doesn't.”
Why do skeletons never move?
Because they have too much Skelatonin.
It wasn't til I studied Spanish as an adult that learned Spain discovered Canada.
As our teacher explained it, the first maps said "Acá, nada."
What type of cats usually purr the best? Purr-sians!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
I cannot espresso
how much you mean to me.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
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