Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
"Some people have no guts."
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
What do you call a pig with no legs?
A groundhog.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What happened when the ice monster had a furious row with Frankenstein?
He gave him the cold shoulder!
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What did the pig say on the warm summer’s day?
“I’m bacon.”
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Most unicorns start off as poor hunters until they can really horn their skills.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put down.
Why is it a bad idea to give a cow marijuana?
The steaks are too high.
I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.
I am now looking at a long sentence.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
Why are houseflies great at arithmetics? Because they multiply really fast.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
Have you heard the fast gladiator that was a tumor covered in dough?
He was a Roamin' Tumor Roll.
What do you call it when you brush off the winter snow for the last time?
A spring fling!
What is a con artist's truck towed with?
A pickup line
Which band were way ahead of their time in the stage lighting department?
LED Zeppelin.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
How do you measure a mosquito’s harddrive?
With bug bytes.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Who did the goats vote for as president?
Billy Clinton.
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Why did the mouse stay inside? Because it was raining cats and dogs.
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
My sister thinks that she is so intelligent. She says onion is the only food which makes her cry. That is the reason why I threw a pineapple at her face.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During ape-ril showers.
What is a grandma sheep called?
A baaaa-nana
Keep calm and leprech-on.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
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