What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
What eats laptops? Computer worms.
My wife said she saved $5 by not taking a bus and walking home
I said, you could've saved a $20 by not taking a cab instead
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
When the medieval sorcerer summoned a servant from the magical book, the Queen was astounded. This was a page right out of the book.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
Dad Ordered Taco Bell
Asked how many Dillas come in their Ques 'a Dillas
What type of dog chases anything red?
A bull dog.
Is your eyesight as bad as your cell phone reception? Because that was a terrible call.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
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Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
What do Chinese bears wear over their faces when they’re robbing banks?
Pandanas!
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
What do you call a flying turtle?
A shellicopter.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
Freeze a jolly good fellow.
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.
What is a female "Douchebag" in France called??
A douche-baguette.
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
Why did the person throw their computer cabinet in the air?
They wanted to store it in the cloud.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Why can't the zombie get a job?
They all want someone more lively.
What do you call someone who specialises in Egypt?
A Cairopractor.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
I’m so lepre-gone right now.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
At what time of day was Adam created?
A little before Eve.
What does a mountain often do at its daily meal? It avalunch.
A team may be talented, but there is no substitute to this, no train no gain!
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
I woke up this morning and saw two birds sitting in the sun in my backyard, eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
What trees do ghouls like best?
Ceme-trees!
What happens when you look up geology jokes? You know you've hit rock bottom!
What did Avogadro teach his students in math class?
Mole-tiplication
All the other vegetables have always felt very emotional whenever they are near the onion.
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
And the lord said unto John "come forth and you shall have eternal life"
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
Why was the big white tiger angry with his other Siberian tiger friend? Because he bleached him while grooming.
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