Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
Why can't a tattoo artist be faithful? Because he always has designs on his clients.
My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
I always invite the mushroom to my party because he is such a fun-guy.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.
I’ll be there in a pinch.
I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.
I'm never sure if I like rocking chairs or not.
I go back and forth on them
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Why didn’t the newlyweds plant any flowers this spring?
They were too busy planting kisses!
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Did you hear about the new holistic elf doctor?
He's a gnome-opath!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
Why are glow worms good to carry in your bag? They can lighten your load.
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
The bowling team of which I am captain is known lightning. This is because we get countless strikes.
What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!
When does a bat go "mooooo"? When it is learning a new language!
I was at the beach today when I saw a man in the sea yelling “Help, shark! Help!”
I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn’t going to help him.
What happens before it starts raining candy?
It sprinkles!
Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.
Why can't you hear a psychiatrist when they go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Why did the T-Rex cross the road?
Because the chicken hadn’t evolved yet.
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
When does soil get rich?
When mother nature makes it rain.
Toilet jokes aren’t my favorite...
But they’re a solid number 2.
I left my laptop outside on the picnic table, and when I came back, the keyboard was covered in ants...
...It took a while to herd them together but I finally got them all under control.
How does a rude princess sit on a horse?
Snide-saddle.
What did the dolphin detective say to his partner?
Something smells fishy!
What do you call a psychic gnome who escaped from prison?
A small, medium at large!
What is the most depressed river in Southern Europe? The Crimea River.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Werewolf Weather Furcast: Tomorrow we expect heavy showers.
How do you wash a horse?
On a sponge-line.
What do strawberries wear to bed?
Jammies!
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
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