My leaf blower doesn’t work.
It just sucks!
You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
Flight allows flamingos to stay safe from predators. This is natural selection in action, and explains why flaminstays are extinct.
Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
When the ghost watched a sad movie he started boo-hooing.
I was walking along when I saw a pile of dog sh** on the side of the street, a little further on I saw an identical one.
That was a crazy deja poo.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea-weed.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
What do horses use to eat?
Breastplates.
I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
My friend didn't want to participate in the pick your new hairstyle conference but I convinced him...
He took part.
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
Don’t ask me why I love wine. I have my rieslings.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What do you call it when a pillow hits its head?
A concushion.
Skier: Doc, I think I'm addicted to skiing at Loveland Ski Are
Shrink: You may be going down a slippery slope. Do you feel a divide?
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
There was a stampede out on the dairy farm. It was udder chaos.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
Which football playoff team are Star Trek fans rooting for ?
The Green Bay Picards.
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We'll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Where do football players go shopping in the offseason? The tackle shop.
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
A cabbage said to a DJ “lettuce turnip the beet!”
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
Six slimy snails sailed silently.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Why was the crow upset about his job? The HR fired the crow with no caws.
Where do the teenaged polar bears go to dance?
To the snow-ball.
What do you do when you miss the ferry?
Call a canoe-ber.
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
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