What is a cat’s favorite type of water? Purr-ified!
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
What did the bowl of soup write on their Valentine?
I love you pho real.
I beg your garden?
What do you call a distilled botanical that likes to play the guitar??
Ginny Hendrix
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall down a cliff,
Ba-dum-tss
What’s the difference between a punter and punster?
A punster gets his kicks with bad puns like these!
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
I’d like to throw away my old can, but my pusher friend here says he loves junk balls.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Did you hear of the new disease going through France?
I've heard it was a Paris-ite.
What do you get if you cross a Triceratops with a kangaroo ? A Tricera-hops!
What is a ghoul’s favorite snack food?
Ghoul scout cookies!
Where did the music teacher leave her keys?
In the piano.
Why are skeletons such bad liars?
Everyone can see right through them.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
I used to be a personal driver in France
But now I have nothing to chauffeur it.
The builder beaver decided to launch a new liquid dam-building product, but the market was too saturated.
Feeling my shelf.
I'd cut the grass but it's against the lawn.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
What do you call a half man half horse in the middle of an army formation?
The centaur of attention.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Last Christmas, I got my sister a build-it-yourself medieval fort. She wasn't very happy with it, but my mother reprimanded her by saying that it isn't the gift, but the fort that counts!
Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons?
He wanted to Mark Antony.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What do you call it when witches are optimistic about the future?
Witchful thinking.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
What is the smallest onion known as? It is known as an electronion.
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, I bet this chair lift weighs enough to break the ice.
Do you want to hear a joke about a bolt of lightning?
Actually, maybe not. The end is rather shocking.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
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