I’ve been getting blitzed all game
Mushrooms always hate going to school. They feel inferior before the rest because they are always so spore-d.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
What’s the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? One trains the mind, the other minds the train.
My roommate keeps taking my water bottle out of the refrigerator.
It's not cool man.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
How do baseball players stay in contact with each other?
They touch base every once in a while.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
How does a car express love to another?
‘I a door you.’
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
Beer doesn't make you fat
It makes you lean.
I just found out you should never put a bar of soap in the dishwasher.
It's hand wash only.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
I heard the government is going to put chips inside people with Covid vaccines...
I hope I get Doritos.
I told my family this joke about a goat...
They said it was a baaaaad joke.
Why did the cat keep meow-ing? It didn’t want to be fur-gotten.
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.
How do fish get high?
Seaweed.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
Give me some pigskin
For several days each month, some friends and I get together, play instruments and sing in a medieval style.
I guess you could call it my minstrel period.
I always tend to forget the french word for strawberry sometimes. But, then I eventually remember the fraise.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What’s black and white and red all over?
A sunburned panda.
The forager was in such mixed moods this morning and we guessed he picked and ate the wrong class of mushrooms.
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
What’s the difference between a lion and a tiger?
A tiger always tells the truth, the other one is always lie-on.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
Making puns ha?
Toucan play that game.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
Why did the fork feel kinky near the spoon?
Because it was a tease spoon.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
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