Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
What would you call an elf with lots of money?
W-elfy!
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
Make your own decisions this summer, don't give in to pier pressure.
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
Some guy wanted to charge me a bunch of money for a second hand bouncy house.
But I wasn't sure if that was something I really wanted to jump into.
What is a polar bear’s favorite snack?
Brrrrrittos.
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
What is suns favorite chocolate bar?
A milky way.
Where do horses buy groceries?
Whinny-Dixie.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
I got arrested because I left my car at the bar and took the bus home.
It turned out I was in no condition to drive that either.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What is smarter than a talking cat? A spelling bee.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
What’s the spiciest way to clean a horse?
With a curry comb.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
I saw a squirrel bury a nut in my backyard today.
I'm going to swap it for a grilled cheese sandwich and blow his mind.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Grammar Nazis for math should be called Fibbonazis.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What did the large baby deer say when he met his favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn!”
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
What do kittens wear? Dia-purrs!
All punts are highly intended
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
The Romans must have thought the year three thousand was going to be tasty.
MMM
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal?
Megadeath by Chocolate.
Sleigh queen, sleigh.
What do you call the shirt a neurosurgeon wears to every brain surgery?
His specialty.
Q: What did the tree say to the wind?
A: Leaf me alone
What is ice cream’s favorite day of the week?
Sundae.
What do you call a pig that drives around recklessly?
A road hog.
What did the axon terminal say to the receptor when they broke up?
I need my space.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
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