My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.
How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?
Ten-tickles!
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What do crows read? Cawmics.
Snow thank you.
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner, does that make YOU a vacuum cleaner?
There’s a big difference between yoga and pie-lattes.
What did the mother airplane say to the child airplane when the child was acting rude?
"I've had it with your altitude"
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
You should dress up warm in the Andes. That place is Chile.
I found out yesterday that the Mexican dish ghosts like the most is a boo-ritto.
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What do you get when if you cross a potato and the terminator?
A termitator.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
A cowboy and a Mexican were walking side-by-side by a beach in Mexico. The Cowboy asked to the Mexican if the Gulf of Mexico was an ocean.
"Sea, Señor," replied the Mexican.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.
My neighbor is dead against it.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What do you call a 1 cent coin in Italy?
A penne.
What type of room do you eat? A mush room.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
What our parents tortoise was to be kind to each other.
If dolphins lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland!
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I was running to catch a train yesterday, but just as I was approaching it...
I realized my net wasn't big enough.
What do you call a mouse with no balls? Optical. What is a mouse's favorite record? 'Please cheese me'!
What did the pun mom say to the new pun dad?
We have a pun in the oven!
My friend once used laughing gas as deodorant.
He smelled funny the whole day.
Why did the ghoul become green?
It was sick of eating brains!
What should you do when you play volleyball against a team of satanists? You beat the hell out of them.
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
Got a couple of railway buffers going cheap. It was an end of line sale.
A pirate I know likes clothes made by an Italian fashion giant...
He dresses in Argh-mani suits.
What is the most popular flower in France?
Croissanthemums.
I just flew on a plane with an all female flight crew.
It was an....unmanned aircraft.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
Why did the football referee have trouble measuring the first down?
Someone was yanking his chain!
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
Q. Which deer prison is escape proof?
A. Elk-atraz.
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
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