I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
Tne thing you won't catch a vampire ordering in a restaurant is a stake sandwich.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
What does a baby computer call its father?
Data.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.
I keep asking my physics teacher "what is the unit for power?"
But he just saying "Yes."
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
Why was Pegasus such a good ballerina?
He was flo-wing.
The spoiled milk always got what it wanted.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Remember the band that did that rock cover of “walk like an Egyptian’ by The Bangles?
Pharaohsmith.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
What’s the difference between an iceberg and a clothes brush?
One crushes boats and the other brushes coats!
My physics teacher asked, “So why is v-naught 0?”
I replied, “y-naught?”
Did you hear about the farm dog who liked to strip ears of corn?
He was part husky!
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a dog that sneezes?
Achoo-huahua.
Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.
I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
Why do people like working at the Red Lobster?
It helps them get out of their shell.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
When my father complained to my mother for never picking or dropping me at school, she looked at him and said, "You are the master of drag and drop, my love". He's an IT specialist...
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Why do Otters swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
What did Detective Duck say to his partner?
“Let’s quack this case.”
After being stuck in the ice storm all day long, the man said, "I am starving. Can I avalanche?"
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
What do you see when an elephant hides behind a tree?
The trunks
Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?
He didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, “I discovered a large body of water on my journey.”
She said, “Could you be a little more pacific?”
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
My friend said, "I bought a parrot for my son that has red and blue feathers."
I said, "Your son must look very strange."
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Why do owls shower so often?
So they don’t smell fowl.
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