What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus!
What do you call a monkey at the North Pole?
Lost.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Why did the volleyball player have ropes and shoe strings? They wanted to tie the score.
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
My pink bird friend got dumped a while ago. He was sad for a while, but now he’s singe and ready to flamingle.
Where do kittens learn to move around? On the catwalk
Where’s a dolphin’s favorite place to drink?
A dive bar!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 200 years
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
Tigers are bad at basketball because they have only four feet.
What did the cutlery maker say when he lost some metal?
Silverware?!
What was the Romans' greatest achievement?
Learning to speak Latin!
What should you double check when buying an electric car?
That your driving license is current.
Why did Paco's girlfriend not want to kiss him?
She was afraid of the a-Paco-lips.
There's a criminal who lives at the end of the rainbow, who likes to trick people. He is called the lepre-con artist.
What’s the biggest difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool’s Day?
On one you’re thankful but on the other you’re prankful.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
Best in snow.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What do you call a bear with a bad attitude?
The bearer of bad news.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Did you see the display of still-life art? It was not at all moving.
What did the magician say to the fisherman?
"Pick a cod, any cod."
Where do rocks like to sleep?
In bedrocks!
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Why didn't the sentence have a period?
Because it was pregnant.
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