What do you call a tree with no tinsel, baubles, or topping?
A tree.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear.
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
When it started raining, I spotted a potato across the road pretty fast and I wondered what’s up? It wasn’t long before I saw a fork up ahead.
My sister said I would never be able to make a beach pun.
Is seashore about that?
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
I told my wife I wanted to name our son Lance, but she said it was too uncommon so I explained that in medieval times men where named Lance a lot.
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
I have bean
thinking about you.
Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
How do you tell someone winter is over?
You spring it on them!
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Water you doing?
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What do you think holds the moon up? Moonbeams.
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
Here today, lepre-gone tomorrow.
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.
"What did Frankenstein's monster say to his girlfriend?"
"Will you be my Valenstein?"
Whenever two vegetarians fall in love, you know that’s going to be a great pear. Now lettuce celebrate, because we all love vegetables.
What do you call a Mexican bear with a rubber toe?
Robearto.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
Egg puns are the most egg-citing.
Will you, William? Will you, William? Will you, William?
Can't you, don't you, won't you, William?
My fridge stopped working...
Its not cool.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I beacha miss summer already!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
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