A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history - with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
This rainbow is on its last legs, it's really hanging by a red.
I tried wild ox milk
Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant
What was Hitler's favorite computer game?
Mein Kraft.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
Snow on and snow forth.
While I was driving, I saw another person driving while talking on his cell phone.
I got so mad, I threw my beer at him.
What did the big stag deer say to the hunter?
“Buck off, man!”
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
Why do cows lie on each other in the rain?
To keep each udder dry.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why was the dogwood always making bad choices? Because he kept barking up the wrong tree.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why did the skeleton climb up the tree?
Because a dog was after his bones!
What do you call a giant mushroom? Hu-fungus.
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
How does a bomb choose not to go off?
It refuses.
Get in the swim this summer.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
My favourite jokes are skeleton puns
Why? I find them humorous.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
Did you hear about the birds of prey who opened up a resort?
It was for owl seasons.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
A mummified macaroni pizza was uncovered in Italy today.
The man who uncovered it says "It's a pizza of our pasta."
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
My neighbor had way too many dogs.
It’s safe to say that he had a Rover-dose.
Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
I had to give an impromptu speech on a piece of cloth that encircles the wrist...
I spoke off the cuff on the cuff.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
Why did it take the teen pig so long to get ready for school in the morning?
She was very piggy when it comes to choosing what to wear!
What do Krakens eat?
Fish and ships.
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