What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
What's the difference between a strawberry and a Tyrannosaurus? The strawberry is red!
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What do gnomes love to sing at Christmas?
We're driving gnome for Christmas.'
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
My chair finally broke down yesterday.
It just doesn't give a sit anymore.
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
When you come across a strawberry that uses foul language, it must be berry rude.
What do you call an Eskimo cow?
An Eskimoo!
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why did the bat walk in her pijamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
What is a worm's favorite band? Mud.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Where do Yetis go to dance?
To a snow ball.
Distill my beating heart.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
Cooking is bad for my anxiety.
I had to throw away my pressure cooker.
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
My birch of a wife just told me she wants a divorce. Says she’s tired of all of my tree puns.
We were mermaid for each other.
Large, pink birds are a good asset to a football team. They’re very used to playing flamingoalie.
I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
I'm out bird watching with Sinead O'Connor....
so far it´s been 7 owls and 15 jays.
How can you tell that the ocean is friendly? It waves!
Did you know that fighting increases your risk of heart attack?
Because it's assault.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Dublin over in laughter.
How did the woman react when the doctor suggested she have a brain biopsy?
She gave him a piece of her mind.
What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
How did brave Ancient Egyptians write?
With hero-glyphics.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
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