I joined a support group for former computer hackers.
Anonymous Anonymous.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea
What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
What do you call a squirrel with no nuts?
A female squirrel.
I checked my phone bill after my trip to Italy, and it said I spent DCXII dollars.
I must have left on Data Roman.
Why did the bear quit his second job?
Because he needed some koalaty time with his family.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
If Kim Jong-un had a private yacht, it would be a dictator ship
What animal has more lives than a cat? A frog … because he croaks every night!
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
There’s a suspicious email going around, with the subject line “Canned meat.” Don’t open it, it’s spam!
The next round the wolf showed up at the butchery, he was arrested. This is because he was being tracked by the police for chop lifting.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
Why did the hotdogger quit skiing at MaryJane?
Because it was the wurst stunt skier at Winter Park Resort.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
Why was the leprechaun fired from his cashier job?
'Cause he was always a little short.
How do pigs greet their family and friends?
With hogs and kisses.
Q. Which kind of ape enjoys smoking tobaco?
A. Cigarilla.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
They say that volleyball is just mind over matter. Because in our minds, you don’t matter.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why did the deer cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t a chicken.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
Have you ever tried crossing a lion with a flamingo? It will be pink, that’s the mane thing.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
A crayon that looks like a strawberry is usually called a cranberry.
Serve up some Dad Jokes at your Father's Day BBQ
Make 'em eat Pop-Corn
I took my friends watch that had an LED flashlight on it.
Now it's my time to shine.
Q: What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
A: Toot-and-come-in.
Which heavy metal band is Santa's favourite?
Sleigh-er.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
What do you call an alligator that has all the other gators at the swamp crown around him?
A congregator.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
George Michael once damaged his ears while cleaning them...
Careless Swissper.
What do you call a little ghost with a torn sheet? A hole-y terror.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
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