My dog went on his first date.
But she was a mal-TEASE.
What does a cat say when it gets injured? MeOWWW!
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
Why don’t vampires use the front door?
Because they use the bat flap instead.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What did the Medieval Gynecologist say to his patients?
At your cervix, m'lady
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Why did the tectonic plates break up?
It wasn’t her fault, but there was just too much friction between them.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Thankfully evolution gave us ears a million years ago...
Now we finally get to use them to wear masks.
We’ll have a splash-tastic time.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
Flamingos can get away with the most outrageous behaviour and you’d never know that they were embarrassed. This is because you can never tell when they are blushing.
The only thing that is black and white and has to be red all over is a newspaper.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
Can a fencing champion born in France, but raised in the U.S. represent either country in the olympics?
Yes. Because they have duel citizenship.
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
What happened to the criminal magician who ate to much salt?
Cardiac arrest.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Puns make me numb, but math puns make me...
Number.
How do two rival forests get along? They sign a peace tree-ty!
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a break from delivering gifts? Santa Pause!
How did the horse know the others were gossiping about him?
He herd.
When one tree asked another how it was doing in November, it replied, "I am pine!"
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Defeat in soccer is only bitter if you swallow it.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
What's a king's favorite kind of precipitation?
Hail!
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