Someone just asked me to sing any line from "Don't go breaking my heart."
I couldn't if I tried.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
A beaver asked his fellow beavers to hurry up and said, "Water you waiting for, make haste."
Why are goats and rhinos attracted to each other?
Because they are both horny animals.
What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood? Swine.
Each Easter Eddie eats eighty Easter eggs.
The local motorway has become blocked after a truck shed it's load of brightly coloured writing paper and envelopes.
Police say the traffic is pretty stationery...
My girlfriend really changed after she became vegan
It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
I saw a sheep covered in plastic
It was lambinated.
What do you get when you cross a chili pepper, a shovel and a terrier?
A hot-diggity-dog.
What do you call a reptile that works on a farm?
An irri-gator.
Why did the cows have towels? To keep each udder dry.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
How do ghosts find out their future? They read their horror-scopes.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What type of weapon can you make with potassium, iron and nickel? A KniFe.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn't use proper pun-ctuation!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What did the sad lamp say when plugged in?
"I finally feel better now that I’ve got an emotional outlet."
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. There is no time.”
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
Why did the girl break up with the boy?
He was driving her crazy!
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
What car make did the Apostles drive?
Honda… because the apostles were all in one Accord.
Why can't a Platypus be trusted on the radio?
Because they all have fowl mouths.
How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.
Why are trees so active in politics? They really like grass roots movements.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
How does Italy execute its criminals?
Guidotine.
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp.
I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again
I’m ready to shamrock and roll.
You octopi my thoughts.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
What do you call an owl who knows how to do magic tricks?
Hoodini.
What's an inmates favorite food? Cellery.
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
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