"Let's have some skele-fun."
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
Why should you avoid discussing coffee around sensitive people?
It can lead to a really heated, strong debate.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Where does fog go to the bathroom?
Anywhere it wants.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
A mountain biker was chased by a Grizzly this morning. He bearly made it.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
What flavor of ice cream do vampires like best?
Vein-illa!
What does a couch say to another couch at the other side of the room?
We are sofa apart!
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What does a werewolf say in church?
Howleluia!
Why didn’t the teddy bear want any dessert?
He was already stuffed.
Was the koala able to complete the grueling 26-mile marathon? Bearly.
My wife asked: "What's our WiFi?"
I said: It's an internet connection that works wirelessly through something called a modem. Why?"
She hasn't spoken to me all week.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
The ghost scared all the boys who ventured into the haunted house and then varnished into the almirah!
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
I'm like a cow in tall grass,
I'm utterly tickled to be here.
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.
What is a jack o lantern's favorite pick up line?
"Darling, you look GOURD-EOUS!!"
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
What did the alligator say to the other alligator that was in the way?
“Please move, I need to get bayou.”
Did you hear about the bank that wanted to put an ATM up a tree? If it works, they are going to expand the idea to other branches.
Wolves love taking woofles for breakfast, they are sweet and amazing.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
"I'm eggs-hausted."
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Why does Mr. Potato need a cell phone? Incase Mr. Onion Rings.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
Why did the scientist use a drink container to communicate with dolphins?
Because a bottle knows dolphin.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
Q: How did the tiger perform during the show?
A: He was a roaring success.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
If a hole isn't full of water then it isn't feeling well
What is every horses birthday wish?
A stable economy.
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