A plate of sandwiches walks into a bar. The barman says “we don’t serve food”.
What do bakers tell their children at night?
Breadtime stories.
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
Why are geologists never hungry?
They lost their apatite.
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
My dad always said, “Find a girl with an embarrassing tattoo and try to convince her to marry you.”
“She knows how to make bad decisions and stick by them.”
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
My biology class was going on and on, and I was stuck in the middle of it. Well, you know, this is how it feels to be an on-i-on.
Why won’t the mushroom buy a couch? - He prefers toadstools.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
This is a taco and burrito conversation.
Nachos.
What is a deer’s favorite meal of the day?
“Deer-ner.”
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
What is the best way to observe the two planets between Jupiter and Neptune?
Saturn Uranus.
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
I love you a tot!
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Did you hear about the abusive flashlight? It was charged with battery.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
How do you keep a dog from smelling?
You hold its nose.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you call a gorilla with a million dollars?
A gorillanaire
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered
What did the artist say to his old friend? Let's clay in touch.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
Green vegetables absolutely love going on camps as a group. Their favorite is the Brussels Scouts.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
How much did the pirate pay for his peg and hook?
An arm and a leg!
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
All right, everyone, that’s enough! Gno more games!
Wayne went to Wales to watch walruses.
What happened to the shark who swallowed a bunch of keys?
It got lockjaw.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
What do you call an existential lycanthrope?
A whywolf.
How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt
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