My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
Two meth heads start a relationship, is that considered speed dating
or just mething around?
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
I tried riding a camel instead of a horse once.
It had its ups and downs.
Why are dinosaurs no longer around? Because their eggs stink.
What do rabbits say before they eat? Lettuce pray.
The thirty-three thieves thought that they thrilled the throne throughout Thursday.
How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Why shouldn't you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
I would tell a time travel joke,
but you didn't like it.
Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”
Why didn't the snowman go to the party?
He had snowone to go with!
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
What did the fish say to the other fish? Pucker-fish!
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God, and I didn’t.
I can't believe I can't see the bottom of the ocean.
It's unfathomable.
Where do horses go to the bathroom?
The bathroom stall-ion.
I wonder why theatres are so sad? They're always dark, moody, and in tiers.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
Why was the skeleton stupid?
He was a numskull.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Why did the koala bear eat so much eucalyptus? He simply couldn’t leaf it alone.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
Why are unicorns considered to be among the most impatient mammals? They’re quick to get to the point.
"I'll be right back, I need to go for a pea," said the fruit during the interval.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
Why did they let the turkey join the band? Because he had the drumsticks
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Where are sharks from?
Finland!
I knew a submarine sailor who wasn't very talkative or energetic
He was a subdued sub dude.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Rebel without a Claus.
"I'm an Easter eggs-pert."
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
Did you hear about the cat who drank ten bowls of water? It set a new lap record
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
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