What sort of lights were on Noah’s Ark?
Flood lights.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
The police told me they'd throw me in jail the next time they caught me stealing board games.
But that's a Risk I'm willing to take.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
What are the magic words for a brainy magician?
Hocus sulcus.
My weekend is fully booked.
The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
I don't know what Dracula's address is, but I'm pretty sure he lives on a dead end street.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Drums - You can't beat 'em. Well, you have to, really.
How did the skeletons make s’mores when they went camping?
They made them on the bone-fire.
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
How do you know when a crab's drunk?
When it starts walking straight
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
"Bugs and hisses."
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
What do you call water that is good for you?
Well water.
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
What's better than having roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ....
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What’s a missionary’s favorite kind of car?
A convertible.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
“My Dog has no nose. How does he smell?”
"Awful.”
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
A chap sees a zebra sitting on a seat beside him in the cinema eating popcorn. He says “what are you doing here?” The zebra says, “well, I enjoyed the book”.
My son and I went camping yesterday and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."
"Then you’ll have a match."
I started making lamps in the shape of the alphabet.
After the first three, it was a D-light.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
Q: Why couldn't the Pharaoh sing?
A: He hurt his larSphinx
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
A functional gun shoots
While a broke one needs troubleshooting.
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
Why does the mermaid wear seashells?
Because she grew out of her B-shells.
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
How did Julius Caesar like his water?
Rome temperature.
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