What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
My eye doctor’s office is at the shopping mall.
She’s an Opthemallogist.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
When a dinosaur gets a goal in a soccer tournament, it is known as a dino-score.
What do you call a Minotaur in a playground?
A swing and a myth.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What did the angry artist say? Don't get me arted!
Why do skeletons get sick on windy days?
It goes right through them.
I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
Why did the bald man decide to paint a bunch of rabbits on his head? He thought that they could look like hares from a distance.
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a bird that can fix anything?
Duck Tape.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What happens if you cross a night crawler with a telephone? You get Ringworm!
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
I heard this pun about a cheese grater the other day...
It was a grate joke.
These book puns have tickled your spine.
How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Where is a basketball player's favorite place to eat?
Dunkin' Donuts
Why did God create Yogi bear?
Because on his first try he made a Boo-Boo.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.
How does a deer know what day of the week it is?
It looks at its calen-deer.
Today my "O" button on my keyboard stopped working.
Maybe it was a sign I should've stopped o-ppressing the keyboard.
Cows that travel alone?
Never herd of them!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
My mind works like lightning.
One brilliant flash and it's gone.
What kind of photos do turtles take?
Shell-fies.
Kindly kittens knitting mittens keep kazooing in the king’s kitchen.
What is the best thing to do if you notice a gorilla is sitting at your desk?
Find another place to sit.
A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
Why are werewolves better than vampires?
Werewolves don’t have a problem with steaks.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Why do Egyptians shave their heads?
To make them more pharaoh-dynamic
What did the introverted pig say when asked why they don’t like socializing? “I’m not a people porcine.”
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
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