What did the dog say to its fleas?
Stop bugging me
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
What do you call an alligator that sneaks up and bites you from behind?
A tail-gater.
What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
What do you call an ant who likes to be alone?
Independ-ant.
Wedding cake tastes just like Birthday cake
It just takes more commitment.
Why did George Washington have sleeping problems? Because he is unable to lie.
What did the zombie pour on her dinner?
Grave-y.
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
My wife bought me an expensive umbrella and she’s been holding it over my head ever since.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Why was the Navy Seal sad?
He doesn't like the color blue.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
What did the duck who learned physics say?
Quark, quark.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Fred is so condescending about my tennis strokes. I can’t take any more of his backhanded compliments.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
My counselor gave me a hug today
I guess I got shrinkwrapped
I don’t care if all of the other giants see me as a big joke for filing a restraining order on a guy I’ve got 75 feet on.
Beanstalked is a serious matter.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Why did the old man hate living next to the tennis courts?
He couldn't stand all the racket!
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
When a planet dies, does it get an orbituary?
What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because it can't sit down!
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
Let’s make some pour decisions.
People find laundry therapeutic...
Because it takes a load off their mind.
What cheese do you use to get a bear out of a tree?
Camembert.
When Napoleon died in the explosion, he was blown-apart-e.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Why don't skeletons play baseball?
Because they don't have the heart for it.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
My last chess game went a bit medieval.
We both went for the castle.
Why did the dog go to university? To get a pe-digree.
Why does the paparazzi beaver have a camera pointing towards the river? To keep up with current events and give main-stream updates.
Why did the advertising tycoons hire a bunch of apes?
They were running a gorilla marketing campaign.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
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