Witches always fly on broomsticks because they want to make a clean getaway.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Why did the golfer need new socks?
Because there was a hole in one.
I do wonder why my flamingo friends always do so well in tests and exams. After all, they always just wing it.
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Why was the horse a great editor?
She was very thorough bred.
I got so mad at my partner hitting moonballs, I had to pusher off the court.
She sold six shabby sheared sheep on ship.
There’s two balloons in the desert. One says look out for that cactus!
The other goes What Cactussssss...
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
Why is spring a great time to start a gardening business?
Because it’s the season when you can really rake in the cash.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
At the end of the year, there is always a rock n’ bowl concert where everyone gets entertained.
What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?
Norman Rock Wells.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
Why are sponges and brains similar?
They both like to soak up "material"
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
I just got fired from my theatre job. I guess I should've made a bigger scene about it.
Two candies had a beautiful wedding. They were truly mint to be
I was talking to my Mom the other day and she mentioned that none of her sisters needed the vaccine.
Turned out they already had the auntybodies.
It is now a universal truth that actions speak louder than coaches.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Time fries when you’re having fun!
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
The best place on earth to shop for soccer kits is New Jersey.
I have a butcher friend in London. Last week he caught a huge sea creature in the river there and made it into sausage. It was the beast of Thames. It was the wurst of Thames.
What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak?
Mouse code!
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Wife: would you get me those two cans from the top shelf?
Me: I don't see any toucans in here.
For goat’s sake, that’s enough.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
Let’s have a shamrockin’ good time tonight!
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
I’ve been getting blitzed all game
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
We make a great pear
Native Americans used to have their own professional tennis tournaments, and provided free housing to players from other tribes. They called it the A Tee Pee Tour. (No disrespect to Native Americans!)
Have you ever heard of the Poder bird?
It is also known as the Toucan
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