If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
In what type of weather is the vet the busiest?
When its raining cats and dogs.
“Santa Claus’ favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.”
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
How many ears do you think a Spock has? Three. A right ear, left ear, and a final front ear.
What do you call it when a monster gets mad?
Ogre-reacting!
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Ever had real cane sugar?
It cannot be beet.
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
What do you call a white bear that's shaped like a tooth?
A Molar Bear.
The only time a basketball team can chase a baseball team is five after nine.
What is a dog’s favorite movie series?
Fifty shades of Greyhound.
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only 2. They'll fit.
I beg your garden?
Through three cheese trees three free fleas flew.
While these fleas flew, freezy breeze blew.
Freezy breeze made these three trees freeze.
Freezy trees made these trees' cheese freeze.
That's what made these three free fleas sneeze.
What do you call a glass of pig’s blood?
Swine.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
On Father's Day, I thanked my dad for his contribution to my birth.
He said it was his pleasure.
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
What is one way to save money when you go to the lake?
Buy a “sale boat.”
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What did the structural engineer say to the architect? Nice buttress.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
When the pitch is flooded, soccer players can still go on. They just need to bring on their subs.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
I tried to come up with a funny theatre joke, but it was all just an act.
What do you call an Amish Man whose hand is in a horse’s mouth?
A mechanic.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
In every corny joke,
There is a kernel of truth.
We’re mint to be.
Who do vampires buy their cookies from? The Ghoul Scouts
I was a bit worried about making breakfast on Halloween
But I ain't afraid of no toast.
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
I'm going to discuss global warming on Sunday at a debate. It's a very heated topic.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
What do you call a berry that plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity!
Why do blues musicians tour the most in the summer? So they can visit all their kids.
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
There was a rebellious lightning bolt who ended up in juvenile hall.
His parents grounded him so he struck them.
Moisturize the air!
As fast as humidly possible.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
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