A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
Q. What did Ena say after Bambi was killed by a semi truck?
A. He will be dearly missed.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
A crab didn't help his friend,
he's shellfish.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Why did the otter cross the river?
To get to the otter side
I’ve been getting blitzed all game.
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
The skeleton ordered a cabernet wine with a full body because he didn't have one.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
My neighbor tried to charge me $20 to watch the eclipse from his balcony.
I told him that was daylight robbery.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
People need to be careful about computers at all times because they byte.
The price of candy at the movie theater is quite ridiculous. They're always raisinet!
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...
That's probably going to come back to bite me later.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
Where is a flamingo’s favourite place to dance? The hop, of course!
I was conned into believing that my hotel room in Moscow had free Wifi.
I remember the ad saying: Internyet.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
How do you cut the sea in half? With a see saw!
What card game do crocodiles like playing?
Snap!
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
One day, I looked to my spine and said
Thanks for all the support! Thanks to you we've grown to new heights.
I googled 'lost medieval servant boy'
The result was 'This page cannot be found.'
Which monster did the three bears catch sleeping?
Ghouldilocks!
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
What do gnomes use to guard their mazes?
Minitaurs.
Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.
I slept with a lemon once. Now I have lemonaids.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
Amazon kindle.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
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