Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.
And the collective nouns go: a murder of crows, a herd of cows, a migraine of children.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
According to pig etiquette, piglets are meant to be porcine and not heard.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
What does a fish say when he makes a mistake?
It was just a fluke!
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What superlative did Robert E. Lee win in high school?
Most likely to secede!
Near the town of Hannah Montana people found a dinosaur skeleton.
Scientists identified it as a Mileysaurus.
Why does algebra make you a better dancer?
Because you can use algo-rhythm.
My dad wanted to teach me to fix the car but all I did was hold the flashlight.
I guess I'll never hold a candle to him.
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
Looking after more than one elephant at a time requires the ability to multi-tusk.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
Cows wear bells around their necks because it is moooo-sic to the farmer’s ears.
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
Q: Why was the Pharaoh wet?
A: He was the reigning ruler.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
This pool is impressive. Or should I say swim-pressive?
What do you call a candle in armor?
A knight light
I stole two sofas from death, but I wasn’t ready for the reaper cushions.
I just saw a huge killer fish singing and playing guitar in the city center.
I think it must be a busking shark.
Pirates Private Property.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
The reason the cow wore a bell around her neck was because her horn didn’t work anymore.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Q: Why was the cloud so dark and stormy?
A: It was feeling mis-thunder-stood.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
I thought I saw some fog yesterday.
But I guess my memory’s a little cloudy.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
Go to BabaMail
