What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Apple is announcing a new cell phone for children.
iKid you not.
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance
She had a leg up the whole time.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
Did you hear about the medieval siege where the attackers ran out of ammunition? So, they loaded a severed peasant's head onto a trebuchet and fired it. By sheer luck, it hit the Duke's son and knocked him off the battlefield.
Yeah, apparently it was the first-ever serf face to heir missile.
I beg your garden?
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
You and I make a deluxe combo.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
Rivers are so lazy they never get out of their beds.
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!
If we played hot potato I’d lose, because I’d never let you go.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
What do you call your sibling’s daughter, who is famous?
Star anise
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
Why is the moon a wanted criminal?
It’s constantly mooning people.
Bookworms take shelfies.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
What is a Ghost’s favourite toy to play with? Leg-oooooooooooooooo!
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Why did Frankenstein turn to solar?
For the free charge.
Pre pear yourself for a bad pun.
Dad: Is that a pear?
*Dad points to pear on the kitchen counter.
Child: Yea...
Dad: Then why is there only one?
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
How does a Viking show the amount of raiding and pillaging that they do at the same time?
They use a Sven Diagram.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever ?
When the basketball realized all the checks were bouncing, he decided to visit the bank himself to find out.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
What did the fawn who wanted to be a child forever say?
“I don’t want to doe up!”
Where do werewolf go if their tails fall off?
A re-tail store.
Where did the Romans go to rent their vehicles?
Herculease.
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