Why is the air so clean and healthy on Halloween?
The witches sweep the sky.
I had a dream the ocean was filled with orange soda
It was a Fanta sea.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
My doctor says I should get my ears cleaned every 12 months.
I think he means ear-ly.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Why don’t crabs donate to charity?
Because they’re shellfish
What's white on the outside, green on the inside and comes with relish and onions?
A hot frog.
Tried acting in a theatre full of farmers. Got mooed off stage.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause.
How do flowers kiss?
With their tulips
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
Something is odd about my hot stove.
I just can't quite put my finger on it.
"For peep's sake."
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
Where do bats keep their money?
The blood bank.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
Where do saplings graduate from? Elementree school.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
What do you call a horse going down a waterslide?
Horseback sliding.
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What's the slogan for the New York Demon Chomping Advocacy Group?
Gobble the ghoul.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
Reading is a novel idea.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
How did the pine propose to the apple? With a pineapple ring.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Why don't people ever talk about the fear of roses? Because it's a thorny issue!
What do llamas always reply when you thank them?
No probllama.
I recently had my hair cut.
At first I didn’t like it but now it’s growing on me.
What did one hillbilly say to another? I got a new fly rod and reel for my wife. Best trade I ever made.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
A man goes to the doctors and says " Doc, I'm having problems with my ears, I think I'm going deaf".
The Doc says " Can you tell me the symptoms?"
The man replies, " Well, Homer's the big fat bloke, and Marge has blue hair!"
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What is the name of that knight who is very fond of the sea and spends most of his time at sea beaches? We call him Sir Fer.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
In another town, the cowboy rides in wearing a paper suit. Paper pants, paper jacket, paper chaps. Even a paper holster!
He wasn't in town ten minutes before he was arrested for rustling.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
How did the Native Americans get to America first?
They had reservations.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
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Edit*: sorry it seems as the CTRL button on my keyboard isn't working
How many yaks could a yak pack, pack if a yak pack could pack yaks?
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