What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What did the mushroom’s sing when they won the closed-cup? - We are the champignons!
Why was the cabinet maker fired on his first day?
He just couldn't get a handle on it.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Catherine and Peter performed great in 'Dancing with the Tsar'last night. But Ivan was terrible.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
If your piglet wants to be a wizard, there’s only one alternative: Hogwarts.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
Long ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Why didn't the hipster swim in the river? It was too mainstream.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
What happens before it rains candy? It sprinkles.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
What mouse was a Roman emperor?
Julius Cheeser!
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station.
Sometimes we eat a crow while other times we eat Croatia.
What cheese cries the most?
Babybel.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
I like my breakfast like my tennis grip: Continental.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
The basic rule in the bowling game is to ensure you leave no pin standing.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus!
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What do you call a sheep with a machine gun?
Lambo.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop it a line!
What did the computer say to the other after a 16 hour car ride?
"That was a hard drive."
A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"
Why did the tadpole feel lonely?
Because he was newt to the area.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
Is this a science class? Because we have great chemistry.
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