If an astronaut steps on chewing gum then what will happen to him? He will simply be stuck on the Orbit.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
We’re a perfect mash.
Where do Egyptians seal away their drugs?
In a narcophagus.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us
Elephants will toil all day, and they work for peanuts.
I was so tired. I needed a sea-esta on the beach.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
I love you a tot!
Wind energy is so popular. It has a lot of fans.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What do you call bananas that don't stick up for themselves? A bunch of pansies.
Why can a leopard never hide for long? It’s always spotted
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
The guy who invented the watch must have had a lot of time on his hands
When you write copy you have the right to copyright the copy you write.
Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.
Did Cyclops the X-man play hockey? Yes, he enjoyed lasing up the skates.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Why does water never laugh at jokes?
It isn’t a fan of dry humor.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
Q. What do you get when you combine Blue Agave and literature?
A. Tequila Mockingbird
I told my friend a tree pun.
He was stumped.
The kindergarten kids were taught the alphabet and peach sounds at school.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What did the panda say when he was forced out of his natural habitat?
This is un-bear-able.
What do ghosts drink on St Patricks Day?
BOOs.
A tree toad loved a she-toad,
Who lived up in a tree.
He was a three-toed tree toad,
But a two-toed toad was she.
The three-toed tree toad tried to win,
The two-toed she-toad's heart,
For the three-toed tree toad loved the ground,
That the two-toed tree toad trod.
But the three-toed tree toad tried in vain.
He couldn't please her whim.
From her tree toad bower,
With her two-toed power,
The she-toad vetoed him.
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
What do Ghosts say when they are impressed? - That was spectre-cular!
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
Wanna know a way for werewolves to howl other than the full moon?
Make them stub their toe.
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
An otter and an otter are in a car, who's driving? Animal Control
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
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