College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
How many consultants do you need to change a light bulb?
You’ll get an estimate a week from Monday.
What has 18 legs, spits a lot, and catches flies?
A baseball team.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Every koala supports the idea of being able to defend themselves against tyranny. They believe in having the right to bear claws.
I have a flamingo friend who has a fantastic imagination, but they are always indulging in flights of fancy.
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
What do you get if you cross a mouse with a Triceratops? Enormous holes in the base boards.
I started sleeping on the left side of the bed
It just doesn't feel right.
What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."
What kind of candy never arrives on time? Chocolate
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
One blender turns to the one next to it and says "You're looking exceptionally good today!"
So the other replies, "You're such a smoothie talker"
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
I slit a sheet, a sheet I slit, upon a slitted sheet I sit.
Two friends were hanging out. One asks the other: "Hey, do you know about the famous detective that can't do bowel movements?"
The other friend replies: "No sh** Sherlock, of course I do!"
A lot of people don't like movies about mummies. I think they get a bad wrap.
What kind of werewolf can track down flowers ?
A bud hound
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
Why can't guitars have fun with friends with benefits?
Because without strings attached they just can't play...
Frankenstein's monster and the bride of Frankenstein sit down for dinner
Bride: How come you never help with the dinner
Frankenstein: I did
Bride: How?
Frankenstein: I did the mash...
Bride: Don't you dare
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What did Mr. and Mrs. Citrus name their daughter?
Carolime
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?
Why did the boy keep his trumpet in the freezer?
Because he liked cool music.
Why did the blood sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Why did the cat decide to sleep under the car? Because she wanted to wake up oily!
When she saw her first strands of gray hair...
She thought she would dye.
What do you call it when evil worms take over the world?
Global Worming!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
I walked into the kitchen and saw my wife chopping onions which made me cry
Onions was a good dog
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
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