Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
What did the thrifty man say when he got his phone bill? "Who says talk is cheap?"
There is no glory in practice, but without practice there can be no glory. This volleyball pun is very inspirational. For you to do your best, you have to be willing to practice.
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
How do you know you have a tape worm?
It’s comming out of your belly!
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Kangaroo: [dials 9-1-1] I can’t find my kids!
9-1-1: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: [pats pouch] Oh… nevermind.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
Walking through the farm and a group of pigs jumped out of a tree at me. It was a hambush.
I went drinking with a bunch of kangaroos last night and they didn't buy me one drink all evening..
Talk about short arms long pockets...
Why can’t a car play football?
Because it only has one boot.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
Why was the potato put in an asylum? It was starch raving mad.
I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
German Wi-Fi is the WURST.
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
My son took his jar collection way too far
When I came home from work I thought the house was robbed because the door was ajar.
What is a skeleton’s favorite mode of transport?
A scare-plane.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
My keyboard fell apart today.
I feel like I'm losing Ctrl of everything.
Why does the horse go to school?
It brings her fulfillyment.
How did kids in Ancient Rome get their hair cut?
With little Caesar's.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Why did Jesus ask Judas to crave the turkey?
Beause he knows he likes stabbing others in the back.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
What do leprechauns love to barbecue? Short ribs!
What did Sparticus do to the cannibal who ate his nagging wife?
Nothing, he's gladiator.
Why do eggs hate jokes? Because they could crack up.
My Asian neighbor owns a T-shirt company where he colors white shirts. I think it's a Thai Dye T-shirt company.
Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
I can't touch my aunt or I will explode.
She's made of auntie matter.
When something evolves, it becomes a fork of nature.
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
If volleyball were easy, they would call it football.
I hope for world peas.
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