Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
Even as unicorn parents, you always want to control the internet unless you want your foals checking
out uniporn all day.
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What’s a shark’s favorite movie?
The Shaw-shark Redemption.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
What do monkeys sing at Christmas? Jungle bells, jungle bells…
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What's a fetus's favorite craft?
Embryoidery.
I went on a date with a Chess World Champion the other night.
It took her about 10 minutes to pass the salt.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism
How do you know when a baby koala bear is happy? You’ll see them jump for joey!
What do you call a toddler running towards their mother with arms high up in the air?
A quick pick-me-up.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
The next person that asks me for pineapple juice, cranberry juice, lemonade, and a slice of orange all in the same glass is gonna get a “punch.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
Softball is just like baseball
Except the tactics seem more underhanded.
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
Did you hear about the guy who got a metal jaw replacement?
I think he just did it for a tin chin.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.
I snuggle to get through these winter days.
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
What is the national fruit of Afghanistan?
Talibanana.
What position did the young vampire bat play on the football team?
Quater-bat.
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
A truck carrying ladders crashed on the road. The cargo has spilled over, but police are taking steps to clear the area.
I was midway between the bow and the stern of my 120 foot yacht when suddenly I was surrounded by submarines that just surfaced...
I was amidship man.
What do you call a dog in a submarine?
A subwoofer.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
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