What is a car’s favourite film?
Taxi.
When ghosts visit the seaside, they always get an i-scream.
What element is derived from a Norse god? Thorium.
Did you hear the one about the recycling family of triplets? Polly, Ethel and Ian.
Q: Why are mummies such great spies?
A: They keep things under wraps
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
Interesting that illegally copying on computers is known as piracy.
I suppose you CTRL C
Help!!! There's nobody steering this yacht!!
Don't worry. It's on yachtopilot.
What's the difference between chemistry and cooking
In chemistry you should never lick the spoon.
How do penguins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
How did Salvador Dali like to start his mornings? With a bowl of Surreal and milk.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
A police officer knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bicycles what rubbish my dog doesn’t even own a bike.
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.
A great knight became all discombobulated and lost his weapons...
He was all out of swords.
What do you call two octopuses that look alike?
I-tentacle twins!
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
I love a joke about the eyes.
The cornea the better.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
What caliber is Chekhov's gun?
Catch-22.
Why do Pencils shave?
To look sharp.
What kind of hair style does a bee get?
A buzz cut
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
What do you call someone who labels jars of body parts?
An organiser.
What do you call an Arab next to a cow?
Milk Sheikh.
What holiday do bats love best?
St. Bat-rich’s Day.
All vampires seem to have the same thing for their last meal. A stake.
Why couldn’t the submarine commander get to the surface after joining Reddit?
He couldn’t get any up-boats
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
My father got a new laptop, and it is now like the baby computer of the house, so we refer to the older laptop as the 'Data'.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
They say that you can spike a volleyball. But you can never take away its dig-nity.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
The basketball player sat on the sideline and began sketching pictures of chickens. He was learning how to draw fowls.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth!
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
Q: Why does a hurricane wear a monocle?
A: It has only had one eye!
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
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