The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.
Because it's made of hide.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
When NASA will put 20 heads of cattle into the outer space, it will be the 1st herd shot around the entire world.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
The good pony apologized to the tiger at the zoo for his sore throat, he said: "I am sorry, I am a little horse."
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
I tried making a machine that shoots bullets out of your fingers, but it shot out my spine instead.
Well, that back fired.
Everybody romaine calm.
What did the plate say to the fork? Lunch is on me.
Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy? A power play.”
What do you call a dude who really likes autumn?
A fall guy!
What do you call a herd of undead llamas?
The zombie alpacalypse.
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What kind of birds do skeletons like?
Sea skulls.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's Disease and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit...
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
When I wrote the history of cheese for our term paper in school, our History teacher said it was grate.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What falls in the winter but never gets hurt?
Snow.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out
I am an introvert, but you know how to bring me out of my shell.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Q. Which country was founded by wild gorillas?
A. The Banana Republic.
When milking a nervous goat, you should use kid gloves.
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
One should always practice what they peach.
Why did the music teacher need a ladder? To reach the high notes.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
It has to be toad away.
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
Q: Why are ghosts scared of mummies?
A: They tear up the ghost's sheets
There was a flamingo in our garden for such a long time, we started calling it a flaminstay.
What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
Chances are both will end up in the gutter.
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land never waves back.
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