Where did the mermaid go on a date?
She was catching a movie at the dive-in.
Rainbows are very uncommon, they are blue and far between.
What are male twins inside a pregnant woman called?
Em-bro-yos.
I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in our backyard.
I don't know why, but they seem shady.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
Why did the robot decide to go on a summer vacation?
To recharge!
Why are obtuse angles so depressed?
Because they’re never right.
What did one Viking war paint say to the other?
Poly, you're a Thane.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
What do dehydrated alligators drink?
Gatorade.
No one could tame the unicorn. He was horn to be wild.
If you see a wasp, don't kill it. Let it bee.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why did the man wear a rabbit as a hat? He didn’t want anyone to harm a Hare on his head!
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
I want to play my match outdoors so I can hit the ball higher in the air. I’m not good at persuading people, so I’m going to hire a lob-byist.
Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
How do you spot a car made by Apple?
It does not have Windows.
What's the sketchiest button combo on a computer keyboard?
Shift + T
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Eddie edited it.
What's worse than a SPIDER on your PIANO?
CRAB on your ORGAN.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
What is the first time that a volleyball match was talked about in the Bible? When Joseph served in the Pharaoh’s court.
The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Is your refrigerator running? I was hoping to vote for it.
What is a Greek dog’s favorite dessert?
Barklava!
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
Why was the shy guy terrible at baseball?
He never got to third base.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
So earlier I took my clothes from the washer and threw them into the dryer.
I can't be sure how they felt about that, but they seemed agitated.
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
What do you call a decent cup of coffee?
Just an average joe.
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
What kind of bee makes milk?
A Boobie!
“You’re my soul Santa.”
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
What do you call referential cheese?
Feta.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.
Did you hear the one about the pianist convention?
They had a few keynote speakers
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