What does the Pope eat during Lent?
Holy mackerel.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
This foundation is rock salad.
I see a sea down by the seashore.
But which sea do you see down by the seashore?
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
What do you call a troll that’s in charge?
In control.
I saw an egg behaving oddly today.
It was probably just a bit egg-centric.
What happens if you put an iPhone in a blender?
You get apple juice.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
My orchestra buddy wanted to bring his fiddle to a protest. I told him not to.
In a peaceful protest, there's no need for violins.
What do you call a spiders child?
An arach-kid.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
How do fleas get from place to place?
By itch-hiking.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
What did the geologist say when his doctor asked him if he was ready for his colonic? No FRACKING way!
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
"Just looking on the sunny side."
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was too tired..
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.
What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What is a dog’s favorite movie about dinosaurs?
Jurassic Bark.
"Come follow me and I will make you a Fischer of men."
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
I had a bet on a giraffe race yesterday but my selection lost.
It was nowhere near winning – it lost by a neck.
What time is it Julius? 8:02 Brutus.
Asked my friend why a knife is his favourite utensil.
He said “a spoon and a fork just don’t cut it”.
How do you keep food warm in the refrigerator?
Keep it in the corner, because it is 90 degrees.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw? Because they don't know how to cook it.
It's really easy to learn white water kayaking
You just go with the flow.
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8th!
What makes politicians and planets similar?
They both take up space.
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two...
Why are blood physicians so rich?
Because blood cells.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist? A chemist will drink anything that is distilled. A geologist will drink anything that is fermented.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
What do you get when a dinosaur sneezes? Out of the way!
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
I found a cutlery dispenser that doesn’t work properly
No forks were given.
I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.
Go to BabaMail
