What did the police officer say to the hand?
Stop! You are under a wrist!
My brother has been riding a bicycle since he was 4 years old
Damn he must be very far away by now
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
I was recently fired from my job operating rides at the carnival
My lawyer has advised suing for funfair dismissal.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Wow you guys have no life.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What kind of a car does a crazy man drive? A LOCOmotive.
Theater sound guys aren't always good speakers
What advice would you hear from a zombie?
- Never put your eggs into one casket.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
Dog Joke: What do you call a Collie with a mango on it's back?
Mango Lassie.
How do you make a panda?
Punch a polar bear in the eyes.
Why did king Minos put Minotaur inside a labyrinth?
He wanted to amaze his wife.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
What's a ghost with a broken leg called? A hoblin goblin.
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
I booked an appointment at the orthopedist for my whole family.
We got joint problems.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Not to brag, but I beat the state chess champion in less than 5 moves.
Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
Picky people pick Peter Pan Peanut-Butter, 'tis the peanut-butter picky people pick.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
What do chickens study in school?
Eggonomics.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
In a romantic date, Romeo says to Juliette “Baby! You are the pineapple of my eyes!”
2 flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other "you'd better pick up your game Louie, we're playing in the cup tomorrow".
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
I’m feelin’ pine.
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
Which month can’t make a decision?
MAY-be.
When the chef asked which ingredients were missing in the signature dish, someone said quickly, ‘u-need-corn’.
Crows organized a cawnfrences, to discuss the upcoming project.
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
My little girl just asked for a goodnight kiss on her nose....
I said I can't kiss that thing it smells!
Six out of seven dwarfs aren’t Happy.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
Why couldn’t the dog fit in his clothes?
He was a little husky
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
How do you get a teddy bear across the border?
You snuggle it across.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
Q. Which Louisville race exclusively features buck and stag contestants?
A. The Kentucky Deer-by.
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