What was the Vikings favorite song while invading England ?
Heathen flow by Pearl Jam
Why did the police dog get promoted?
Because he was the scenter of so many drug arrests.
What do you call a bacon wrapped dinosaur? Jurrasic Pork.
“Someone’s barking up the wrong Christmas tree.”
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I'm pine-ing for you.
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
She broke up with me while we were swimming in Egypt
I'm still in de-Nile
What’s the least honest bone in the body?
The fibula.
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.
I hate getting tide down in one place. So let's take an ad-van-ture.
Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Icy what you did there.
They aren’t gnome for their humor.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What did the zombie say when she thought the werewolf was keeping secrets?
Spill the zombeans.
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole? A Hot Cross bunny.
What do you call a very smart bunny? An egghead.
Be careful this Easter
There is a lot of basket cases out there.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
I asked a vampire if I could borrow some money. He told me he needed to go to the blood bank.
What did the pig do when it came to a pork in the road? It pigged the road less traveled.
Why couldn’t the donut reach enlightenment? Because it was already holy.
What do you get when you cross a bat with the internet?
Blood-thirsty hacker.
Why did the hard drive crash?
Because it had a bad driver.
Why did the volleyball player get thrown out of the party? He spiked the punch.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
All the girls I meet keep thinking I’m a sheep.
Every time they see me they say “Ewe”
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Just been to the funeral of a close friend who died when he was hit in the head by a tennis ball
Great service.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
Wife is frying a lot of mushrooms in a tiny pan.
Me: Doesn't look like you have mushroom left in there.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
What do you call a viking who is attracted to both genders?
Biking
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
What is it called when a cowboy dies and comes back to life?
Reintarnation
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
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