Who else is a famous barnyard painter?
Pablo PIGcaso
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.
It is no wonder that Thomas Jefferson was thus named, his father was after Jefferdad.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
Why did the skeleton cross the road?
To get to the body shop.
Irish potatoes are spud-tacular.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
Jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains.
This gives me hope for the next generation.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What’s the difference between a horse and wet weather?
One reigns up and the other rains down.
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
Which day do fish hate the most?
Fry-day.
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Five fuzzy French frogs Frolicked through the fields in France.
Where do they make all the decisions on a dairy farm? At the city cow-ncil.
What did the duck say when the waitress came?
Put it on my bill.
I threw a fuzzy peach at my doctor's head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar."
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
I want to tell you an excellent ice pun, but the problem is that it’s just slipped my mind.
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
The computer had to visit the dentist at the very earliest opportunity as it had a BlueTooth!
How did the rabbit become a wrestling champion? It had a lot of hare pins!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
What do you call a giant that's good at football?
Goaliath.
If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
What did the deer say when she wanted to be left alone?
“Doe away!”
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.
Q: What did the tornado say to the sportscar?
A: I’m taking you for a quick spin!
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Guy: Have you ever been fishing before? Girl: Why? Boy: I think we should hook up!
Why did the volcano say to the mountain? I lava you
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office. I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said no, this is light.
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What do you call a skeleton who goes to school but doesn’t do any work?
Lazy bones.
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What concert costs $0.45?
50 Cent with Nickelback.
It was hot today and when I went outside I saw there was a line of guys standing outside the hairdressers. I thought to myself, "Such a lovely day to have a barber queue".
You shouldn't wear glasses when playing football...
They say it's a contact sport.
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