Some people say Greece should stop using the euro as currency...
I think they're being over-drachmatic.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
How many rabbits does it take to change a light bulb? Only one if it hops right to it.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
Birdie birdie in the sky laid a turdie in my eye.
If cows could fly I’d have a cow pie in my eye.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
What does a flower say when they’re surprised?
What in carnation!
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
Dr. Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It’s a new pill consisting of 50 percent glue and 50 percent aspirin.
Igor: But what is it for?
Dr. Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a koala with no teeth? A gummy bear.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets.
My dad said he wanted to steal a pumpkin
but all the stores were well-gourded.
Did you know Stephen King has a son named Joe?
I’m not joking, but he is.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
An astronaut who normally fails on a weightlessness experiment, might surely be aware of the gravity of the situation.
Did you hear about the couple that split up over coffee?
The lawyer said there were grounds for divorce.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.
What did the worm want to do when he grew up? He wanted to join the Apple Core (Corps).
A wolfswagon rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
Salty but sweet.
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
Why did the guitarist get fired as a carpenter?
He was shredding the floor.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What do you call a penguin in a shell suit?
An egg.
What do you call a famous inmate? A cellebrity.
It doesn't matter whether you are tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor; at the end of the day...
It's night.
How did the telephone propose to his girl?
Duh, ain’t it obvious? He gave her a ring!
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
What did the light bulb say to the generator? ‘I really get a charge out of you!”
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