Why did the pianist keep banging his head against the keys?
He was playing by ear.
Fall is coll-arding; it’s time to leave.
An action potential takes the train to school. What is the name of the train station where it gets off for school?
Axon terminal.
What do you get if you cross a baseball pitcher and a carpet?
A throw rug.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
What is a definition of art theft? The haul of frames.
What did they call Dracula after his team won the big game?
The Champire.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
Can’t wait for the first married woman to walk on the red planet.
Just so I can ask if there’s wife on Mars.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
How can you tell your dad joke is a dad joke?
It’s fully groan.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
You mermake me happy.
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What country do marathoners retire to?
Iran.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Why are alligators long and green?
Because if they were small and red, they would be tomatoes.
Why couldn’t anyone get a job at the ice rink?
There was a hiring freeze.
What fish only swims at night?
A starfish.
Which tool does a peach biologist often use for its experiment? – A peachtree dish (Petri dish).
These decorations are tree-mendous.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
One-one was a race horse.
Two-two was one too.
One-one won one race.
Two-two won one too.
What do the guys at the ski repair shop eat their lunch on?
Baseplates.
My mother's sister was a gamble who enjoyed poker. She would heartily add to the initial pot but fold after the first hand...
We called her Auntie Up.
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
Why does nobody invite Jupiter to the space parties? Because he has too much gas, always…
Two goats are married, living on a farm. Billy Goat says, "I really want children. Let's make some babies."
Betty Goat responds, "Heck no. No baby goats for me..."
"I'm not kidding."
Why are two parrots better than one? One parrot can't carry a coconut, but toucan!
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
Why was there only one Avogadro?
When they made him, they broke the moled.
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What is black, purple, blue, yellow and white?
Sugilite, sardonyx and opal all fighting over a gumball.
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
Why didn't the unripe strawberry got any cards and chocolates for Valentine's Day? Because it was really sour.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
What do you call someone who used to build airplanes in medieval times? Aerosmith!
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