I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine's Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
After graduating from high school, crows go to caw-lleges for further studies.
Why was the mosquito sad on christmas?
It was a bah hum bug.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
How do you make a milkshake?
Give a cow a pogo stick.
Q: Why was Cleopatra worried about getting home from school?
A: She didn't want her mummy to see her report card.
I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Being uncomfortable with any physical contact, I decided to rent the book “How to Hug” from the library.
Turns out it was Volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Why did the penguin cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.
Golfer: I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course.
Caddie: Try heaven. You’ve already moved most of the earth.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”
What kind of music do sophisticated frogs listen to?
Hopera.
What does pooh eat at parties?
Blue bear-y pie.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.
Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?
They were Fascistanating.
What do you call a knight that jousts all the time
Sir Lance-alot
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
Did you hear about the lazy flower who finally got his act together?
He just needed a kick in the bud.
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Why do Pharaohs never tell dad jokes? Because they are all mummies.
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
H20 is water, but what is H204?
It’s for swimming and drinking, of course.
How are pirates like trumpets?
They murder the high C’s!
My mum makes peas for every meal. I'm sick of her reci-peas.
Why are cowboys prone to gambling?
Because they're always raising the steaks.
What did the baby computer call its father?
Data.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
How do you prepare a Gorilla sundae? Your start getting it ready Fridae and Saturdae!
What’s a horse’s favorite dance move?
Watch me whip, now watch me neigh neigh.
Why don't alligators like fast food?
Because it is difficult to catch.
What is a rabbit’s favorite dance style? Hip-Hop!
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Where do fish sleep? In the riverbed.
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