What’s orange with bad hair and hears ‘boo’ a lot?
A haunted pumpkin with a wig.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
How does a penguin get around?
By icicle.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fishually impaired.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
How do pigs write top secret messages?
With invisible oink!
I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why did the telecommuter quit her job? Because talk is cheap.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
The gang of crows used a crowbar to break into the house.
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
A man has to go, but has no toilet paper. His friend says to wipe with a dollar. He comes back all dirty, so his friend asks "What is that horrible smell?". So the man says,
"Hard to wipe with 3 quarters, 2 dimes and a nickel"
How do cups get their money?
They mug people.
I sit in front if my ex in physics.
There used to be a lot of friction between us.
It is October and there are still leaves on trees. I am very corn-fused!
Just found out my cousin who had a stuttering problem died in prison
He didn't even finish his sentence
Why is everyone so tired on April 1st?
Because they just finished a long 31-day long March!
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
"You're totally scrambling my brain."
Why did the sloth get fired from his job? He would only do the BEAR minimum.
Why did the horse climb Everest?
She liked mount-ains.
How did the skeleton baker make bread?
He Knee-d it.
I don’t have Great Expectations for my son.
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
What is Grammar?
The difference between knowing your sh*t, and knowing you're sh*t.
What’s the sequel to that?
Fuller mouse!
Why did the Easter Bunny go to the doctor?
It was time for his annual eggzam.
I feel tail great!
She sells seashells by the seashore.
What do drunk kangaroos play?
Hopscotch.
Q. What does one teen buck say to oad another into doing something risky?
A. I double deer you!
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
Why did St. Patrick drive the snakes out of Ireland?
It was too expensive to fly and too long to walk.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging.
Since then, my muggings have been far more successful.
My wife got stung by a jellyfish and said, “Quick, pee on it!” So I peed on it and said…
“That’s for stinging my wife!”
Why did the mummy get a divorce?
His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy.
Why is a Tornado the best type of football player?
Because it always gets touchdowns.
Turned down an opportunity to invest in a company making frosted glass balls. Couldn’t see any future in it.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
What do sloths make when it snows? Slow Angels.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Why was the teenager deer a bad driver?
He didn’t want to use the deering wheel.
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
This eye pun couldn't be any cornea.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
A slow poke is what you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
What do you say when you find the perfect font?
You’re just my type!
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