Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What did the grape say when the bat squished on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
People don't believe me when I tell them I'm the lead singer in a Black Eyed Peas tribute band....
Well I am.
Just because your football team calls itself the unicorns doesn’t mean they can play in the corn field.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
What flowering plant is an amazing equestrian? The horse chestnut.
If a dog chews shoes, whose shoes does he choose?
There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.
Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
Last night me and the wife watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV
Lightning never strikes coffee in its bean form.
Only when it's ground.
You sleigh me.
How do fish get from place to place while playing golf?
With a golf carp,
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
They call me Ace, because you just got served.
Why did the spider crawl up the elephants leg the second time?
It got pissed off the first time.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
You’re my soul Santa.
My dad used to crack jokes standing above our fireplace.
Now he's passed the mantle on to me.
A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.
What do rodents say when they play bingo?
‘Eyes down for a full mouse’!
What happened to the football team that practiced in a corn field?
They got creamed!
Scientists have found that the center of Jupiter… has the letter i.
What happened to your arm, Greg? And why are you eating that giant bowl of herbs?
"You know what they say, Margaret"
"Thyme heals all wounds".
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
Why do Earth Science professors like to teach about ammonia?
Because it's basic material.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
Vampires are not even real. Unless you Count Dracula.
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
How will you make the earth clean? By giving it a meteor shower.
What do deer doctors specialise in? Hart surgery!
what do doctors use to draw blood?
A needle?
No, a red crayon!
You know what’s odd?
Every other number.
Why did the giraffe graduate early?
He was head and shoulders above the rest of the class.
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
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