What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
I have a spouse in a different nation.
The Imagination.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Why was the man using ketchup during the rain?
Someone said it was raining cats and hot dogs.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.
What do you call an elf that joins the 11 other elves in Santa’s workshop?
The twelf!
How can you tell a train just went by? A. You can see it’s tracks!
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
Where do bad beavers go?
They're dammed to hell.
Where does Snowy the snow man hide his money?
In a snow bank.
Beach, please.
What is a dog’s favorite pick-up line?
You must be my backyard… because I dig you
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
Dear Mother in law...Don't teach me how to bring up my children...
I'm living with one of yours and she needs a lot of improvement.
Why did it take the Roman General 10 tries to find the buried treasure?
Because X marks the spot
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
I saw a guy trying to cross a really busy street. Trying to be helpful, I said, “You know, there is a zebra crossing 50ft ahead.”
He said, “I hope he’s having a better luck than I am.”
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
How do snails get their shells so shiny? They use snail varnish!
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
What do you call a dollar bill frozen in ice?
Cold, hard cash!
What do you call an elephant that’s never clean?
A smelly-phant.
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
In my village, there is a farmer who takes his cows to refill their food at the grass station.
Dr. Frankenstein just placed an order on Amazon.
It wasn't expensive, but I imagine the shipping cost him an arm and a leg.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
I think if Rome hadn't been built on a hill...
..it wouldn't have had such a fast decline.
What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.
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