Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
I thought Lord Of The Flies was about entomology.
It really bugs me that it isn't.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Crowing, crowing, gone.
I’ll never fir-get.
What did the pillow say when the blanket asked it to come hang out?
I'm down
Why did the zombie comedian get booed off stage?
Because the jokes he told were rotten.
We had a lively debate in physics.
It was a conversation of energy.
What does a nosey pepper do?
Gets jalapeno business!
What did the ghost teacher say to her class? - Look at the board and I’ll go through it, again.
If you travel to the future and get decapitated
You'd be ahead of your time
If you are preparing jacket potatoes, your choice vegetables should be button mushrooms.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What did one bread lover say to the other?
Before I break down and rye, I want you to know that I loaf you.
I gave someone directions to a theater today
I guess I am a movie director now.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Shave a single shingle thin.
My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.
So I have an uncle, once removed.
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
Why are geologists no fun at parties?
They like to be stone-cold sober.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What do you call it when a musical group provides assistance?
Band aid.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
The Montreal baseball team relocated to Tampa after being purchased by the
Exposito bros.
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code
What is blood's message to the world? B POSITIVE.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
Knife and a fork bottle and a cork
that is the way you spell New York.
Chicken in the car and the car can go,
that is the way you spell Chicago.
Q. Whay aren't gorillas afraid of zombies?
A. Because the ape-ocalypse doesn't frighten them.
The group of crows that attacked the lady was accused of murder, the cawps are still looking for the probable caws.
I watched, horrified as two trucks carrying cheese crashed into each other. De brie was all over the road.
"Be kind, re-wine."
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
I like to crouch down, hug my knees and lean forward.
That's just how I roll
How does one astronaut says sorry on the moon tell another astronaut? He Apollo-gises.
Why was the bus driver so confused? He was 'bus-t' in traffic!
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What do you call a cab which provides drug therapy? Chemotaxis.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
Why did the confused gnome decide to see a shrink?
Because he had low elf-esteem.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
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