Cutting my arms was the best descision I've ever made
Hands down.
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables and sets them down on the bar.
The bartender said: "Now don't you start anything!"
I am really good with PowerPoint because I Excel at it.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
Vampires love corny jokes and puns. I don't think they're funny, but it's probably to do with them being pun-dead.
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
A guy wearing a suit and tie walks into a bar with an alligator…
He walks up to the bartender and asks, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Yes sir, we do,” says the bartender.
The guy smiles and says, “Great. Then I’ll have a beer, and my ‘gator will have a lawyer.”
What do you call Sir Lancelot when he is dancing and singing to his heart's content at a party? We call him Sir Dancelot.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
Where do vampires eat their lunch?
At the casketeria.
What natural disaster took out the ancient horses?
A volcanic stirruption.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
I had a rainbow for lunch. I'm trying to eat light.
My friend asked me how my pet crow communicates…
I replied, “Microwaves”.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Did you hear about the loggers who stopped cutting down the forest? The trees really felt re-leafed.
You did a grape job raisin me. Happy birthday!
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Why was the food critic fired?
They didn't reference their sauces
Why did the snowman name his dog ‘Frost’?
Because ‘Frost’ bites.
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood - I come from a long line of fathers.
What do you do when your friend is a claustrophobic astronaut?
You give him a little space.
I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia that makes me deny the existence of certain 80's bands.
There is no cure.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Stealthy minotaurs are always camooflauged.
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
What happened to the dog who ate too much garlic?
Its bark was worse than its bite.
What temperature do you set a toy oven?
Faux hundred degrees.
My father cooked us mushrooms. Later he asked "Having fun guys"?
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse? The Codfather
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
What’s a shark favorite substance?
Reefer.
Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
There might be other fish in the sea, but you’re my sole mate
Why don't zombies eat comedians?
They taste funny.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
Why did the cat get fined? He was caught littering
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Why are vampire families always so close knit?
Because blood is thicker than water.
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
What did the mom say to her kitten when she caught him slouching? Paw attention to your paw-sture!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
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