Where does Santa stay when he goes on vacation? At a ho-ho-ho-tel.
What is the difference between a deer running away and a small witch?
One is a hunted stag and one is a stunted hag!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Your shirt must be made out of husband material.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
I inshtalled my shelf wrong and it fell on top of me, breaking my jaw. Now I shound weird.
I guesh I only have myshelf to blame.
My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
What’s the best way to catch unicorns? Simple, by herding them all to one corner.
How do astronauts cook their meals?
With a Space Heater!
Why was the computer late to work? Because it had a hard drive!
Did you hear about the man who had nothing else to do so drilled into his own head?
He was bored to death.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
I only have ice for you.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.
What is a cyclops' favorite winter activity?
Sking. That's like skiing, but only with one eye.
Don't worry, bee happy!
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
How did the little koala bear stop the movie? She hit the paws button.
What did the deer say to his friend during their night in the woods?
This is so much fawn!
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Have you heard the new song from the band that entirely consists of vegetables?
It’s a master peas.
What is the best toothpaste for the brain?
Neural crest.
Why couldn’t the cheese sleep?
He was scared there was a munster under the bed.
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
The zookeeper told me I wasn’t allowed to buy the animals so I asked why the zebra had a barcode.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the Fuh Cologne.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Tennis is a lot like waiting tables. The most important thing to get right is the first serve.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus
How did the hamburger introduce his wife?
"Meet Patty."
What does a trumpet and a lawsuit have in common? Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
What is Dr. Frankenstein’s favorite part of a company?
Human resources.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
What is a flamingo's favorite thing to do at the weekend? Play fla-bingo.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
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