What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Did you hear about the monk who was caught molesting kids? Yeah, bastard was telling the poor kids to touch his eunuch-horn.
Up until now, I always thought that all the cool mice would get together and live in my mousepad. Now when I know the truth, I feel quite broken.
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
I just won local "Worst Body Odor Contest".
No one else came close.
What should someone do if they are stuck between a jaguar and a tiger? Simple, just take the Jaguar and drive away from the tiger.
The snuggle is real.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
What did the snowman eat?
Icebergs with chilli sauce.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
Where do koalas go to settle legal matters? A kangaroo court!
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
Because they always get Lost at C (Sea).
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
We pass expectations, set the standards and kill the competition. This is definitely one of the best volleyball puns to use as your team’s motto.
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? King Kong is more sensitive.
Did you hear about the famous microbiologist who traveled in thirty different countries and learned to speak six languages? He was a man of many cultures.
In Ancient Greece, people who had beliefs contrary to the worship of Poseidon were executed for Heresea.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
Sheep jokes are bad.
Really baaaaaaa-d.
What did the rock say after it rolled into a tree? Nothing because rocks can’t talk.
What does a spy do in the rain?
He goes undercover.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini
Why did the troll kiss the witch?
To keep her busy in love!
Basketball players manage to remain cool even during tough matches because they stay closer to the fans.
I'm snow bored.
What is a myelinated neuron's favorite type of music?
Wrap music.
I followed my heart to you.
We are mint to be.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Why do interns make the best Dungeons and Dragons players?
They do it for the Experience.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
I’ve never lost a game of football basketball or volleyball!
Though I’ve never played a game either.
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