My office chair broke. It’s letting me down.
When I got my first job at the bowling alley, I was only tenpin.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes
But that's Heinz sight.
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
How do Penguins drink their cola?
On the rocks.
Which English royal family was the smartest?
The Tudors.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment.
It went off without a hitch.
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in Paris?
He was declared to be in Seine.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What happens if an owl doesn't wash?
It smells fowl.
What do you call it when a prisoner takes his own mug shot? A cellfie.
Why did the train have to rush to the bathroom?
It’s been toot toot tootin all day long!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.
What kind of croc hangs out in back passages around town?
An Alley-gator.
My vaccine dad joke failed.
But it was worth a shot.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
If there was to be a beauty contest bringing together all the beautiful mushrooms on the face of the earth, the porta-bella mushroom would carry the day.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
The boot black brought the black boot back.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
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