My computer is so slow it's running in the '90s.
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
The mom to the naughty vampire said to him, “Watch your battitude, that is not how you talk to your elders.”
What did the aged cheddar say when his mom told him he couldn’t see a movie that was rated R?
“I’m mature for my age.”
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
Where is the best place to get camel milk?
Straight from the Dromedairy.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
What did the fish say when he posted bail?
I’m off the hook!
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
I enjoy throwing coins in the river and watching them. I like studying my cash flow.
Uni-corn? I though that’s what you call a single grain or maize.
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
My dog loves Star Wars.
His favorite character is Chew-bark-a.
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
I just got an adorable baby goat, but it can’t bend its legs.
The vet said it’s a cute kid knee disorder.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He's over the moon!He's over the moon!
Two fish were swimming in a stream when it began to rain.
One fish said, “Quick, let’s swim under that bridge, otherwise we will get wet!”
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
Q. Why doesn't a big gorilla have to flush the toilet?
A. He scares the sh*t out of it!
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'
That’s a bit mulch.
My least favourite hue is purple. It's worse than red and blue combined.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
What is small, furry and brilliant at sword fights?
A mouseketeer!
I saw the chicken quickly crossing the basketball court? Then I remembered that the referee was blowing fowls.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
"I'm eggs-hausted."
I need to apologize to my fellow Californians for all the recent forest fires.
Apparently I'm the only one that could've prevented them
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
They told me they were handing out free beef at the beach...
When I arrived I realized it was a bay-con.
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
What happened to the skeleton who sat by the fire for too long?
He became bone dry.
I’ve always followed in my father’s footsteps until today.
He turned around and said, “STOP!”
Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers.
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.
The onion teacher was teaching her onion students about figures of speech. Today, she was teaching onionomatopia.
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