Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
How does a computer learn something new?
Bit by bit.
What do you call a dinosaur that got stuck in the rain?
A driplodocus.
What do you call a skeleton who lies?
A phoney-ba-boney.
Why does the Norwegian navy have barcodes on the side of their ships?
So when they come back to port they can scandinavian.
Julius Caesar's brother was the first historically known epileptic.
His name? Julius Seizure.
What’s the preacher’s favorite fall song? A-maize-ing Grace.
The tea pot sounds so angry!
Nah, its just letting off some steam.
What is a plug’s favorite chant at a sporting event?
CHARGE!!
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
My investment banker used all of my money to buy a leather jacket and a motorcycle, and when I asked for it back he told me to 'sit on it'.
I think he might be running a Fonzi scheme.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Why didn’t the lady skeleton wear a bikini?
Because she was big boned.
What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”
Why did the dad prefer driving in the rain?
Things ran more fluidly.
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.
Strawberries are berry healthy. They pack a punch when it comes to beating cancer and other diseases.
What did the burger meat say to the BBQ? “Is it meat you’re looking for?”
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.
I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.
Q. Which game do hunters go after first?
A. The nearest and the deerest.
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
What do you call a royal goat wearing denim?
Billy Jean King.
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
Why did the two Irish men fight amongst themselves?
They can’t find any other worthy opponents.
Pirate ship Captain: Listen up, I need some help in writing 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Eat, drink and be rosemary.
What do you call a funny parrot spoof
A parody
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
Sorry if this is extra cheesy, but you have a pizza my heart.
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
What is a butchers favorite facial hair style?
Mutton chops.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
A turkey's favorite dessert is a strawberry gobbler.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What do beavers like to put on their salads?
Branch dressing.
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
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