You know why theater people say "break a leg" instead of good luck?
Because if you do, you'll end up in a cast!
What do you call a crimson-colored fish wearing a hat?
A red herring...
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
I tried to warn my son about the dangers of Russian roulette...
It went in one ear and out the other.
What do you call an imaginary yacht?
A dream boat.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
People keep asking me why I’m working for Dr. Frankenstein.
I’m just trying to make a living.
A Roman Lifeguard on duty:
See Caesar, Beware the tides of March!
What kind of ant is good at math?
An account-ant.
Wife told me that our juicer draws a lot of power.
I explained to her that it takes lot of juice to juice the juicer.
What did the little mountain say to the bigger mountain?
Hi, Cliff!
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
Who wears red and brings catnip to sleeping kittens? Santa Claws!
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Speed and Velocity are brothers.
Velocity has a family, is rich and teaches classes around the world.
Speed dropped out and still lives with his parents.
They think Speed lacks Direction.
A detective was interviewing the victim of an assault.
The victim described the assailant as a leather box with a handle on it. The culprit was arrested 30 minutes later.
It was a brief case.
What do you call a beaver with a bad attitude who acts lazy? A beaver that doesn’t give a dam.
I bought an underwater craft in a bright green color.
It's sublime!
Whenever I give my daughter cherries, she stuffs them in the chair
Now we call them chairries
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
They say that she only paints night scenes. Other artists really pale by comparison.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
I'm the life of the paddy.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
My friend impresses girls by drawing realistic pictures of trucks. He's a pickup artist!
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
How does the weather tie its shoes? Witha rainbow!
It is not uncommon for elephants to start a stampede. Especially if they want to play for the Chargers.
If you were a triangle, you’d be acute one.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs.
There’s no reason to wine about you.
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Why was the pun a bad comedian?
He never got the pun-chline right!
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