What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
Do you know why an octopus is so good at Football?
It gets ten tackles a play.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
Did you know Rolf Harris was a talented violinist as a child?
Yeah, he was a mean kiddie fiddler.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
We ran out of laundry detergent today and had to open up a new one.
It was a changing of the Tide.
Where did the Terminator find extra olive oil??
Aisle B, back.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What kind of melody does a ship makes when if it crashes on shore?
A wreck-quiem.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!
Why were medieval people from Mexico such good engineers? This is because they learned in Aztech!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
You get a hand shake.
Why did the horny duck circle the baseball field?
She hoped to catch some fowl balls.
What did the horse say to his friend that didn’t come party last night?
You didn’t turnout.
My mum asked me to watch the stove while she went to the bathroom. She was so angry when she got back...
Things really boiled over
Did you hear about the rundown swimming pool?
It was a real dive!
Lance is an uncommon name nowadays but in medieval times...
people were called Lance a lot.
How do the cool camels say hello?
"How you dune?"
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
I was thinking about using a mushroom to poison someone. My morel stopped me.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
When I think about books, I touch my shelf.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time… I was shocked.”
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Which dinosaur can't stay out of the rain? A Stegosaur-rust
A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"
That's just not rite.
Condoms are like ear muffs.
They prevent a lot of noise.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.
Near an ear, a nearer ear, a nearly eerie ear.
Where does a pharaoh use the bathroom?
A pee-ramid
What did the mayonnaise say when somebody opened the refrigerator? “Hey, close the door! I’m dressing!”
Red lorry, yellow lorry.
Why should you not play volleyball in court? Because you could get arrested.
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