Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
What do you call glia when it is happy?
Smyelin.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
Whenever I hear folksy stories about the hills, I can never get over them.
If you need to share out your to-do list, just be a dele-gator.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
One more thyme.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
What did the Golden Retriever say to the beautiful poodle?
You’re looking very fetching.
People who pretends to never go taking a dump are full of sh**.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What kind of luggage did the vulture bring on the flight?
Carrion.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
A student holds a gun to his English teacher. "Give me all your money or you're geography!"
"You mean history."
"Don't change the subject!"
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
A flamingo can be a really good friend to have. However, they generally fit the bill really well.
I guess you can say my misunderstanding of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles
Elbow.
What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
-
One thing you never want to do is divorce a butcher.
That would be a huge missed steak.
Q. Why was the gorilla's jungle party so lame?
A. Because theyran out of chimps and dip.
What do you call an extremely disgusting unicorn that no one likes? An eeeww-nicorn.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
I went to the zoo today....
only to find out that some aquatic mammals had escaped.
It was otter chaos.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
What sound does a gnome make when he's eating dinner?
Gnome-gnome-gnom-gnom-gnom-nom-nom!
Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they haven’t got any pockets.
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
"Dad, how do you cast spells?"
"You just follow the instructions."
"Which instructions?"
"Yeah, they're the ones."
What do you call a monk who steals a grilled cheese sandwich right off the griddle?
Out of the frying pan and into the friar.
What do you call a Viking cat call?
Valholla
What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
Have you seen the Greek book that became a movie? You odyssey it.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
How much wood could Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck, if Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood? If Chuck Woods' woodchuck could and would chuck wood, how much wood could and would Chuck Woods' woodchuck chuck? Chuck Woods' woodchuck would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood as any woodchuck would, if a woodchuck could and would chuck wood.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
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