Due to social distancing, I had a conversation with a spider today,
Seems nice, he’s a web designer.
Farmers were in an all out war to decide which vegetable they would plant
It was resolved with a Peas Treaty.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
I saw a kitten eating chicken in the kitchen.
It's ok to be negative if you find yourself in a thunderstorm.
You probably won't get struck by lightning.
Why didn’t the light rain hit the target?
It just mist.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
In what state is the Amazon River? It is in the liquid state.
Why don’t elephants use computers?
Because they’re afraid of the mouse.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
What do Spanish speaking people prefer to travel in groups of 2 or 4?
No tres-passing.
A mosquito can fly, but a fly cannot mosquito.
What do you call a guy with an ear fetish.
Hard for hearing.
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
I’ve heard of fraudsters before, but that was one heck of a unique-con if I ever saw one.
Who does a dead pharaoh talk to?
His mummy.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!
What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?
That was ruff.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Why don't gorillas vote?
They're ape-political.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
After completing the deadline just in the nick of time, the artist breathed a cyan of relief.
My husband asked me to sync his phone. So I threw it in the sea - not sure why he is upset.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What penalty in hockey uses the most amount of energy?
A power play.
What currency do astronauts use in space?
Starbucks.
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
What do you call the Tooth Fairy in a lamp?
A Hygenie.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity? It’s natural.”
What did the deer say when she met her favorite celebrity?
“I’m a big fawn of your movies!”
“I hate being half bike, half motorcycle,” he moped.
What do you call ten Arctic hares hopping backwards through the snow together?
A receding hare line.
My daughter asked me, "Why are the two planets coming close together?"
"Well, you see... When two planets love each other they can come together in holy astro nomy."
What is a garbage disposal’s favorite music group?
NSYNC.
If there's a will, there's a wave.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
What happened when the knife went for a drive?
It took a sharp turn.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
A goat came out of nowhere and headbutted me
It was a ram-done act of violence
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
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