I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.

They say I’m too indecisive to be a tennis umpire
but I still haven’t ruled it out.

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

Do you know how long dinosaurs should be fed? Exactly the same as short dinosaurs.

Beauty is only pig skin deep

What does a spy do in the rain?

He goes undercover.

What do you get when you use a cookie cutter shaped like a deer? Cookie doe!

My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot.

What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial

Why don't they sell GPSs in Italy?
Because all the roads lead to Rome.

Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.

On Halloween night a group of crows decided to enact a scene from the play Julius Ceaser, they were enacting the caw-nspiracy scene.

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.

There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.

I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.

Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.

hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.

What’s a snow princess’s glow worm’s favourite song?
Let it Glow, Let it Glow!

Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.

What happened when the dog ate a firefly?
He smiled with de-light

How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?

I put my fancy shirts in the freezer before I wear them.
It's cold fashion, look it up!

You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.

Are you a needle? Because you are sew special to me.

I saw a movie about a pig with no eyes.
It was PG.

Why did the thieves kidnap the monkey?
Because they believed in gibbon take.

What did the cook say after making stir fry at a playground?
"It was a wok in the park."

What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.

As a Brit, I can't get into American football
They rugby the wrong way.

Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.

The baby crow decided to dress up as his favorite vegetable on Halloween, he dressed up as a caw-liflower.

Why did all the passengers on the right side of the ship have dead cell phones?
They weren’t on the port side of the ship.

So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious

Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare

My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.

I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.

How many second violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can’t get up that high.

Have you heard of the hair stylist that refuses to cut hair?
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.

Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.

What did the bus driver say to the frog?
Hop on.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.

A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.

Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!

What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.

Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.

Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.

When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.

Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook

What do you call an ant with five pairs of eyes?
Ant-ten-eye.

What's a mummy's favorite song?
Walk Like An Egyptian.